Are you causing "significant harm" to your children if you have Bipolar?
Stumble Me
As you know there is an application under way to get me out of my home by way of an Occupation Order. Amongst the measures of whether or not the Judge could grant an Occupation Order in favour of my husband, is the test of whether my staying at home with the children is likely to cause them “significant harm”.
Which immediately begs the question: “What constitutes significant harm?”. Under the legislation (Family Law Act 1996 – section 33 (7)
“If it appears to the court that the applicant (my husband) or any relevant child (my children) is likely to suffer significant harm attributable to conduct of the respondent if an order……..is not made, the court shall make the Order unless……” (I’ll go on to the “unless” bit later)
So where does the piece of legislation set out the definition of “significant harm” – what is the test?
(Maybe I should reiterate here that I am a lawyer so am trained to dig around in legislation and unearth the legal definitions and meanings – if they exist!)
In section 63 there are some definitions:
“harm”:
“ (a) in relation to an 18 year old plus, it means ill-treatment or the impairment of health
(b) in relation to a child, it means ill-treatment or the impairment of health or development”
“Development” means: physical, intellectual, emotional, social or behavioural development;
“Health” :includes physical or mental health
“Ill-treatment”: includes forms of ill-treatment which are not physical and, in relation to a child, includes sexual abuse
Section 63 (3) provides a little more guidance:
“Where the question of whether harm suffered by a child is significant turns on the child’s health or development, his health or development shall be compared with that which could reasonably be expected of a similar child.”
So, to sum up the above definitions then:
Harm would be ill-treatment of a child (including non-physical ill-treatment) which adversely affects their physical, intellectual, emotional, social or behavioural development or affects their physical or mental health.
This harm would considered significant if his/her health or development is compared with that of a similar child.
Ok, maybe we’re getting somewhere on the definitions to be applied. However, more questions arise in my mind:
Which children do you compare the child in question to? Is it :
- other children going through an acrimonious divorce whose parents are still living together one of whom has Bipolar I or
- other children of the same age, health, stage of intellectual development etc who are simply going through a divorce of any sort?
- Who is the test group??
- Who identifies these children?
- Who approaches and assesss them?
Ok, so suppose you identify a “similar child”, how do you assess them and then make comparisons? Do you:
- Ask the parent of that child if they can be assessed to determine the difference between them and the child in question?
- Do you guess why there is a difference?
Guess what? There is no guidance in the legislation as to how you go about establishing this! As usual, the legislature come up with these great ideas and then don’t follow through instead leaving it to the judges and the lawyers to try and come up with a way of dealing with it themselves. The judges then decide based on what they, totally subjectively, think about it.
I will put up a separate post on the results of my husband’s application to get me out of the home.
Any experiences of other people who have either applied or defended such an application would be gratefully received.
Hi Lynn,
I understand your fear and concern that your children might be taken away from you if you have a formal diagnosis of Bipolar; clearly, it was the determining factor in my own situation and I wish whole-hearedly that I had never had a formal diagnosis as I’m sure that the Courts could not then have used it against me.
Having said that, it is vital to get the right medication to ensure that you can become stable in your moods so that your children don’t suffer. Loads of parents shout at their children and lose their temper with them – that is perfectly normal (even though it is desirable if we could stay calm for their sakes!). However, a Bipolar sufferer who is experiencing an episode will be more prone to becoming irritable and bad tempered and angry if untreated. If your GP can prescribe the right medication WITHOUT GIVING YOU A FORMAL DIAGNOSIS you could then bring your symptoms under control. The question is whether you can find a GP or psychiatrist who will either treat you without writing down a diagnosis or whether you can find alternative treatments such as Omega oils, the right diet and the right sleep regime. There are Bipolar sufferers who don’t take prescription drugs and can manage their symptoms with alternative methods. One such sufferer is a GP herself and was interviewed on the Stephen Fry documentary about Bipolar. She manages by eating a diet high in fish oils, working part time so that she manages her stress levels well, by ensuring that she has enough sleep and regular sleep, and exercising to reduce stress. All of these things are part of my regime too to manage my symptoms and can definitely work.
There are many good books on the market about managing Bipolar. I suggest you read some of these and see what strategies will help you keep your symptoms under control.
Cognitive Behavioural Therepy is proved to provide huge benefits to Bipolar sufferers in managing their condition. It helped me enormously and I would say more so than the medication although the ideal regime is to have both medication and CBT together. You can find CBT therapists through your GP or through the British Psychological Society on the internet.
I hope this helps. Do let me know how you get along.
Marie
I beleive that I have bipolar disorder but, I am affraid to talk to the Doctor because I do not want my children to be taken away. It started around age 19. I am now 28. It wasn’t so bad before but in the last few months I am angry. I try to control myself but, it is very difficut. I have not physically hurt my children. I get so angry. I yell and I scare them. I feel terrible about it and I try not to. I’m affraid that if I am diagnosed with bipolar they will take my children just because I have it.
In our experience the Courts can do whatever they want with parents and their children. Risk of future harm can be that you may make a complaint in the future about the school and thereby isolate the child. Social workers evidence is taken verbatim even if silly statements under oath such as ‘I can tell if a mother is emotioanlly unstable from over a mile away I do not need to see them I can just sense it.’ Psychiatry has not yet found the cause of one single mental illness or any cures. Personality testing is often used in the Courts which due to the stress of the proceedings will give a varying result. Court of Appeal makes decisions on the back of an advisory opinon by a case lawyer, perjury is encouraged and disclsoure unusual in family proceedings! Diagnoses of psychiatric disorders (DSM 1V) is made by a group of psychiatrists voting on it! Hardly rocket science….
Hi.
Um, I kind of stumbled across this site and so I hope you don’t mind me posting, especially as this isn’t your most recent post or anything.
I’m seventeen years old and my mother has bipolar disorder, so I felt kind of compelled to share my story and offer my own opinion on the matter.
If the question was did my mother cause me significant harm, the answer would be a resounding yes. She was diagnosed when I was twelve years old, at an age where you think you can handle anything, but really you don’t have a clue. At first things weren’t so bad, the shopping sprees, the crazy ideas and a few bouts of depression which were masqueraded as sickness. Then, things just spiralled out of control. She fought tirelessly with my dad, accusing him of sleeping with various women, and these fights often resulted in either the police or the mental health being called. She spent incredible amounts of money (£200 000 in two years, due to an inheritance) on ridiculous schemes which never came into fruition. She was generally very agressive and manic when high, enough to make my friends’ parents worry about me and make aunts/uncles/friends not want her around their kids. Then there were the months she never left her room, the emails to the Samaritans and the constant crying. I came across her once at 6am when she was particularly suicidal and is something I’m obviously never going to forget. Throughout all of this, though, it was never really ‘personal’. She was out of control and frightening, but I just accepted that as a reason to distance myself from her as I couldn’t deal with anything. When I was sixteen, she got really mad about that. She started shouting at me, calling me every name under the sun, claiming I wanted to get her sectioned because I hated her and begging me to find another way to deal with it because she didn’t want to go back to hospital. She would tell me my dad did a whole host of despicable things, claiming he was abusive and, for a while, a paedophile on top of being an adulterer. She also used to go around screaming and claiming we had cameras in the house to watch her, or people trailing her, and would talk to them while she was alone. On one occaision, she flew to Ireland to escape this and had to be physically detained at the airport so she could be picked up. Obviously this is a very condensed version of five years of this stuff, but its all I really want to share right now.
I can’t imagine that not having an effect on a teenager. I don’t think I can even fully describe what it was like living with all of that and doing my GCSEs, hanging out with my friends, showing up to school and everything, but it was really hard. I developed depression, to the point where I tried to kill myself, I started to self-harm right back when I was twelve. I used to dread coming home. I’d stay with friends during the week just to get out of the house. And of course, every week or so the ‘rules’ seemed to change. She’d go from screaming at me one week to apologising and telling me she loved me the next as her moods fluctuated, so I never really knew what was happening. Needless to say, I’m now pretty messed up.
However, I know not every person with bipolar disorder is this extreme, just reading these other entries is proof of that. Of course, any parent like my mother is causing significant harm to their kids, no question. However, what if the parent’s presentation of bipolar disorder was a lot milder? What if it was more under control?
Well, lately I feel more capable to answer the last question. She was sectioned for the fourth time after Christmas and put on an extremely high dose of meds which seem to be working. She is no longer going insanely manic or horrendously depressed. She does sound like a zombie on the phone and of course she still fluctuates a bit, but she’s ‘under control’. If she was like this from the beginning, she wouldn’t have been as harmful, but she would have still been upsetting. I don’t know if this would count as significant harm, but seeing a parent dosed up to the point where they sound dead is going to really upset a child, especially if they’re young.
And sure, maybe many meds don’t do that to you but many do. Plus, as Daniel says, the people fully in control of bipolar disorder are in the minority. Maybe the dicrimination you mention in courts and the like is more of a precaution, because when you leave children with a bipolar parent things can go very badly very quickly. Not to mention it is very hard to judge the severity of this condition (at least in my own experience) as many mental health professionals have been deceived by my mother’s acting (she has confessed to doing this). I really want to believe you are the exception and if your children genuinely want to see you then clearly you must be. However, living with my mother, she truly believes we (my brother and I) want to see her and we don’t. She also believes the reason she can’t leave the hospital or gain custody is because of bias in the courts, or my father corrupting things, rather than her actually being sick.
Having just basically written whatever has come into my head, I think I’ve lost my point. I think I just want to say that you can cause very significant damage to your children being bipolar, managed or not and I think courts are right not to leave children with sick parents in the majority of cases. However, saying this, I do think once there is medical evidence showing someone has been stable for a long period of time with no evidence of relapse and who never fails to take their medication, the case should be reconsidered.
I hope this helps
Athar
Hi,
Quite frankly. I’m so sick of bipolar crap. Take your meds. Get help and quit ruining the life of people around you. You’re ill. Get help. Don’t be lazy and cruel. Bipolars suck!
Hi Daniel,
Thanks for taking the trouble to share your story with us all; I’m truly shocked to read the ordeal that you have experienced and feel sorry for your obvious pain in all this and for your children’s suffering. I might add that I also feel sorry for your wife because, at the end of the day, it is an illness and she has not made her illness. However, not accepting help is of her making and she clearly needs to accept help for it otherwise all of you will continue to suffer.
Your story just goes to highlight my point: each custody case has to be considered indivdually as there will be some Bipolar sufferers who aren’t in a position to look after their children and others who are. Each set of circumstances has to be considered individually – you cannot lump all Bipolar sufferers into one large category and say “they are not capable parents”. Firstly there is the distinction between Bipolar 1 and Bipolar 2 and secondly there are those who accept and manage their condition and those who don’t and won’t. Each individual experiences their own illness differently and there will be some, like your wife, who refuse to accept it at all. There are others, like me, who not only accept it but have managed to control it.
Yes, I have got my condition fully under control as I have worked extremely hard at dedicating myself to its control. I am fully compliant with my medication regime, I see my psychiatrist regularly and I have undergone 2 years of weekly Cognitive behavioural therapy to ensure that I recognise and understand my triggers and have identified my coping strategies which I regularly employ to ensure that I remain stable.
I should also point out that I suffer from Bipolar 2 not the Bipolar 1 that your wife suffers from. I therefore do not have manic episodes so don’t have the classic mania symptoms of spending sprees, delusions, halucinations etc. I suffer mainly with depression which doesn’t result in the same symptoms as those of your wife.
I know people who suffer from Bipolar 1 who take their medication and have it under control and lead very normal healthy lives. Have you read about Dr Kay Jamieson, a world renound psychiatrist? She suffers from Bipolar 1 which she eventually accepted that she had and is now one of the world’s top psychiatrists. Her book “An unquiet mind”
(http://www.amazon.com/s/ref=nb_ss_b/002-3477723-5163269?url=search-alias%3Dstripbooks&field-keywords=An+unquiet+mind&x=26&y=28)
tells of her story about how she refused to accept her diagnosis or any medication, how she went on spending sprees, had hallucinations and attempted suicide before she finally accepted treatment. She overcame her resistance to her illness and has now got it under control. She now works with large numbers of Bipolar sufferers who are her patients and writes extensively on the subject.
I have also personally met others like her: people who suffered with Bipolar 1 and refused to accept it initially and caused havoc but eventually went on to accept their condition and learn how to manage it. So there is still hope!
Maybe your wife would benefit from reading Kay Jamieson’s book. Not only would she relate to the author but she may realise the effect that her refusal to accept help has on you and the children.
I also think though that it is not correct to say that 95% of people with Bipolar can’t form relationships or that they are all selfish and don’t care about others. There are many, many sufferers of Bipolar 1 who are very responsible about their illness and who manage it well. By making that statement, you are doing precisely what so many people do: you are lumping all Bipolar sufferers into the same category and blaming them for the effects of their illness. It is, after all, an illness – none of the sufferers choose to have this illness and they don’t all suffer from the same degree of illness nor does their illness all manifest in the same way. By lumping everyone together you are not giving yourself, nor your children, nor others that you know the opportunity to accept that there are sufferers who don’t behave in the way that your wife does. You give yourself and your children hope by acknowledging that there are many Bipolar 1 sufferers who do sucessfully manage their condition. You need to find them, talk to them, read about them and find ways of helping you, your children and your wife learn to manage Bipolar 1 too.
I also think that the inference drawn from your statistic is that the breakdown of the relationship is the fault and responsibility of the Bipolar sufferer. This of course isn’t fair or necessarily true; it always takes two people to contribute to the failure of a relationship.
If you read through some of the other stories on my site as well as meet and listen to other sufferers of the illness, one of the main reasons that the relationship has broken down is the inability of the sufferer’s partner to understand the illness and help the sufferer to manage their condition. I appreciate that this is very challenging; not only do I have Bipolar but so does my partner of 3 years standing. I know that being with someone who suffers is challenging. It is often difficult to distinguish between the symptoms of the illness and the fundamental personality traits of the person you love. When are they being “difficult” “unreasonable” “unnecessarily emotional ” and when are they simply reacting strongly to something because they are humans with human emotions? However, we manage our relationship by accommodating each others symptoms and coping strategie and learning not to engage with each other when emotions run high. We learn when we are being confronted by “Bipolar emotions” as opposed to normal human emotions. The reaction to these different types of emotions differs; when it is Bipolar emotions they are not taken to heart, when they are normal emotions they are taken to heart and can be managed accordingly.
I also am beginning to question whether someone with Bipolar has their symptoms accercabated by being in a relationship with someone who makes their condition worse ie a high conflict relationship where there is underlying verbal/emotional/psychological abuse from either one or from BOTH parties. Reading some of the stories of Bipolar sufferers, it is clear that there is often abuse coming from the partner of the sufferer which is making the sufferer worse! I am not saying that is the case with you, but I think it may well apply in a number of the cases of relationship breakdown.
Clearly it is extremley difficult to cope with a sufferer who is behaving explosively without retaliating at times. However, looking at the relationship objectively, it then becomes “chicken and egg” as to who is causing the most harm? Is it the sufferer who explodes due to the behaviour of the partner or is it the partner who explodes due to the behaviour of the sufferer? It would take a saint to never retaliate in some way but there are marriages with Bipolar sufferers where the marriage works so there must be some other contributory factors which make other marriages fail which are NOT due to Bipolar.
My own experience has been that I was in a very abusive relationship with my ex husband. He placed the blame of our difficult relationship entirely on me without taking any responsibility for his own destructive behaviour. He insisted that our conflict was all due to my Bipolar and my upbringing and nothing to do with his own psychological makeup and his upbringing. He was a damaged person too but refused to take an inward look at his own issues; it was much easier to blame me and to blame the illness than it was to take responsibility for his own part in the problems.
His refusal to accommodate my coping strategies and his constant criticism of me led to the worsening of my symptoms and a struggle to implement my coping strategies. This in turn resulted in me not being able to manage my condition and I ended up having a severe depressive episode resulting in hospitalisation. The doctors there identified the abusive nature of our relationship as being the main obstacle to my remaining well. As they put it “some relationships are toxic to the people in them”. The parties to that relationship are literally emotionally posioning each other. But it is not a one way street; both parties contribute to it.
When he was unsupportive, my negative reaction to that then provoked him to behave in increasingly hostile ways and a never ending spiral became the norm for us. Both of us ended up being both abusive and abused at different times in different ways. My psychologist and the domestic violence unit have told me that my husband’s behaviour amounts to domestic violence in that he has been both physically, emotionally, verbally and psychologically abusive. I have therefore sought help in understanding the cause and nature of abusive relationships and discovered through this that an abuser can’t be abusive without the abused allowing it to happen. Harsh and as difficult to accept as that sounds, both you and I have allowed ourselves to be abused and have to take responsibility for our part in that dynamic. There is a fantastic book called “The emotionally abusive relationship” by Beverly Engel (http://www.amazon.com/Emotionally-Abusive-Relationship-Abused-Abusing/dp/0471454036)
which helps the people involved in abusive dynamics to understand why they allow themselves to be abused and how to change the situation to empower themselves against any future abuse. [It also states that most people are guilty of an element of abuse themselves and, when I'm honest with myself, I can see that some of my own behaviour has been questionable!].
This cycle has not repeated itself in my new relationship which is much healthier. My partner of 3 years, who also suffers from Bipolar, accomodates my coping strategies and symptoms which allows me to manage my illness fantastically. We do not abuse each other. All my medical team are astounded by the fact that I have kept myself well during all the trauma of the past 2 years. I also accommodate his coping strategies and make appropriate allowances for his illness.
Together, we make it work and manageable.
I believe that you, your wife and your children need to all work together on getting her well. I fully appreciate that she has to take responsibility for it and that nothing you can do can “make” her well. But ultimately, as you are all too well aware, you are all continuing to suffer and the problem won’t go away until the condition is managed. A psychologist will tell you that you can never change someone else but you CAN change the way you behave towards them which will result in them having to interact with you differently. Changing the dynamic will result in a change for everyone. My own change in dynamic with a different partner has resulted in me being able to manage my condition extremely well.
I can’t explain all that psychological help here but there are some fantastic books which are written to help both the partners of the sufferer and the sufferer themselves. Even if she refuses to read them, you and your children can which I think will help you enormously.
Forgive me if I sound patronising – Im very aware that I might be telling you things that you already know. I don’t mean to patronise but I figure that if I have managed to give you any new perceptions/insights/information, then that has to be helpful.
I truly hope, for all your sakes, that you can find a way through this mess.
Thankyou so much for sharing your thoughts and your story.
Marie
Hi John. Thanks for taking the time to share your thoughts. I agree that the parent in question needs to be thoroughly assessed to determine whether their Bipolar is under sufficient control to determine whether the parent is well enough to be parenting.
Unfortunately, I am yet to be convinced that the family courts have nailed this issue; I don’t think they have the necessary guidelines in place to ensure that each parent is properly assessed within defined criteria and by qualified experts.
This is vital. Without proper assessment by experts in Bipolar, the family concerned won’t be properly protected. What I mean by that is that neither the child, nor the parent suffering with the condition nor the spouse will feel that they have been properly assessed and evaluated in terms of how the sufferer’s condition is affecting each of their lives and what can be done to minimise the potential destructive aspects of the illness.
Your child clearly needs to be protected against any of the negative parenting caused through your son’s mother’s illness. However, if she is compliant with her medication and regularly sees her psychiatrist, then it sounds like she is being responsible. The medication itself needs to be properly assessed as to how effective it is. In addition to this though, the sufferer needs to attend regular therapy to understand how to:
a. recognise their symptoms of becoming ill and going into an episode of the illness
b. understand what triggers these symptoms
c. understand how to minimise the effects of these triggers
d. change their thoughts and behaviours to ensure that these triggers and symptoms are kept to a minimum.
It may be that your son’s mother could benefit from having therapy to help her manage her illness. Research into managing bipolar concludes that the best way to manage the illness is through a combination of medication and cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT).
Has she had this kind of therapy? The British Psychological society’s website lists experts in CBT who may be able to treat your son’s mother.
I also think that it is important to consider family therapy; this would help all of you to understand what your son’s mother’s symptoms are, what her triggers are and how you as a family can assist her in minimising the negative effects of her illness. If you can all work together on this, the negative effects can be kept to a minimum. If you all understand the effects that it is having on each of you, you can work together to find coping mechanisms to keep the condition under control.
Your son’s mother may have moods that are, in fact, perfectly normal emotions eg anger, sadness, irritability, irrational behaviour without these being signs of her illness. It is very frustrating as a sufferer to be told that every single “negative” emotion is a sign of the illness. We all feel angry, irritable, sad etc without it being an illness to feel these things. If she is shouting at her son, or crying a lot or being irritable, she may just be having a bad day! The family therapy will help you all to understand the distinction and help you all find ways of coping with it.
I am intrigued to know what your son says? I would also really like to know how often she sees him and how you have coped in the past?
I sincerely hope that you all find a way through this so that you can all benefit from seeing each other and having as normal a life as is possible.
Marie
i think some but not all parents with bipolar shouldbe aloud to have a active part in there childs life but there needs ot be some way to determine if the treatment the parent in question is recieving is helping them to control there bipolar disorder my sons mother is bipolar on meds and sees psychiatrists on a regular basis and the courts allow her to see my child although there have been times hes said things to me that make me question whether she should be seeing him or not
People with Bipolar 1 who admit to being ill and take their medication are in the definite minority. My wife has had it for years; we’ve gone through psychotic episodes, many bouts of mania and depression, hallucinations, delusions of grandeur, money thrown out the window, theft, habitual lying… She’s harmed our children on several occasions, which required hospital visits (nearly killed our one-year-old daughter in 2005 by leaving her in the car for over an hour on a sweltering June day — windows closed — while I was at work; luckily, my parents just happened to drop by for an impromptu visit and saved her), driven us to bankruptcy (my credit rating went from A+ to F in the space of one month), abused me psychologically for years, manipulated me with emotional blackmail, threatened to kidnap the children if I didn’t obey her, etc. etc. She’s never admitted to being ill and refuses all medication. She attacked me twice in December, once in front of our children, another time in front of relatives, and threatened to kill me. Her psychiatrist recommended that I take the kids and myself away for the foreseeable future, at which point she harassed me, my parents, my sister with incessant threats and phone calls… Finally, on the advice of three police officers and two mental health crisis workers who had come to our house, I had her arrested on charges of assault and uttering death threats. In fact, they had offered her a choice: the hospital or jail. She chose jail, was released on bail (and slapped with a restraining order), and a few days later served me with a motion: she’d decided to sue me for custody of our three children (6, 2 and newborn), as well as 80% of my net salary for child and spousal support. She fired her first lawyer for differences of opinion and delayed the legal procedures for several more months as she brings her new lawyer up to speed… Who knows if/when she’ll fire that one when she’s told what she doesn’t want to hear?
This is what life with an unmedicated bipolar 1 partner is actually like. There is a reason 95% of couples with a bipolar significant other break up/divorce: most of them are in denial and end up just not caring about anyone but themselves. They neglect their children and use them as pawns to get what they want. They repeat ad nauseam that they will change their ways, but they never do. I know what it’s like to be a battered wife — the hope that this episode will be the last, that the relationship has turned the corner, the few days of happiness before the old patterns reappear… and the despair at not being able to change anything so long as the children’s welfare is at stake. Luckily for me, things have come to a head. I’ve lost everything because of my wife: my house, my credit, my sense of self-esteem, my confidence as a human and a man…But I’ll be damned if I let her take the kids. And I’m afraid the justice system will do the opposite of what you believe: give her the benefit of the doubt so long as she doesn’t actually attempt kill herself or our children. I don’t think she should have unsupervised, unmedicated custody of the children either joint or partial… not even visitation rights if she continues to allow her illness to destroy her mind.
If you have managed to bring your disorder under control like a diabetic does his/her illness, I am glad… and amazed. You are the exception to the rule as far BP1s are concerned.
Hi
I came out of psychiatric hospital 3 weeks ago after a voluntary admission for an episode of what they think might be mood affective disorder – I was suicidal. I currently live with my aunt in Nottingham as I was not able to look after myself on discharge and felt unable to return home but plan to return on Sunday although not to the family home. They commenced me on Depakote and will review in 3-4 months with a view to giving me a diagnosis. I speak to my children every day and although my husband is not essentially a bad man he has spent the past 3 or 4 months telling me he thinks I have bi-polar disease because I don’t think he can bear to admit there are many things wrong in our marriage. I have a long history of depressive episodes, however, I am more inclined to think that I am stressed out by our passive aggressive/ toxic relationship than I am ill and my “high” behaviours were more a symptom of someone deeply distressed. To this end I feel now that our marriage should end, I have told him this. I am worried that he may turn nasty or not take me seriously because I am as he sees it “mad”. I have been advised that mental health issues cannot be used in court but from what I have read here this seems to not be the case. I have two lovely children aged 3 and 6 from whom I now feel so detached and alientated due to months of being angry and upset with them, myself and my husband. I cannot return to the family home because that is where my source of stress and frustration lies and I am worried that I will become ill again. I have had to admit that their father is the better carer for them at this stage. I really feel very unworthy in the presence of so many women who have fought so hard to keep their children when I just seem to be giving mine away. Is there anything practical I can do to handle my husband in a way where he can’t keep using my illness as an excuse not to take me seriously? Also what can I do to protect my children’s rights to see me whenever they want? Any advice would be much appreciated. Sorry if I’ve posted this in the wrong place.
Janine
Hi there
I was very interested to come across this website, and would like to alert you and the readers of this website to a study we are conducting at the University of Manchester. It is a parenting intervention, as parenting can be difficult at the best of times.
If you are bipolar and have children aged between 3 and 10 (inclusive) then please have a look at http://www.reachingabalance.org.uk
Thank you
Hi Elizabeth,
Thanks for coming to my blog. Do you want to share what has happened with you and your kids? I really am very interested in what other people’s stories are too. I think that the more similar stories there are, the more likely it is that we can battle together to force the courts to see that they are discriminating.
I would be really interested in your story………
Thanks for the comment.
Marie
Similar with me. Battling years here- best of luck – keep strong
Elizabeth
Patricia – oh, I’m so sorry to hear that you are going through the same thing – my heart goes out to you, it truly does. How has he managed to actually TAKE your daughter? Did he physically just take her away and you are now having to fight to get her back? How is that allowed to happen?
You are so right: once we are on the right medication, we can lead a very normal life. Trying to get people to understand that though is very difficult as there is so much ignorance about the whole issue. This is one of the reasons why I have started this blog: I am hoping that, because it is such a highly emotive subject (ie kids need their mothers) that people will want to read it and then they will read comments from people with Bipolar and hopefully begin to form some understanding about the illness. If you know anyone else with Bipolar, or even members of your family who are interested, please ask them to comment as this raises the blogs profile which hopefully means more people will read about it.
It is hugely helpful to me to have people like you offer support – I hope that my prayers will help you to.
I am interested also in what your attorneys are advising you: what is the relevant law in the US? I would like to look it up and could then post it on my blog. It would be interesting to find the relevant law in each country to find out what the legislature think about “Bipolarites”! and how we should be treated………
PLEASE, PLEASE try and keep us all updated with your battle – I am sure there are lots of other readers who would be interested in how these battles are progressing. There have been around 4,000 readers so far, so the readership is increasing – the more people who hear about how awful these custody battles are, the better.
Take care and good luck. Stay strong and believe in yourself.
I can not believe I stumbled upon your site. I am currently in the same battle in Texas… My ex husband has taken my daughter and though she was never neglected or abused he is using my illness that is under control against me. I have been told by attnys to give up she does not want me to do so. I will pray for you and your fight. It is wrong. I know that once on the proper medication we are fine and dandy. It takes time for them to get your meds right. also kids do need thier parents and your husband should have supported you and helped while you needed it. IT IS CALLED CO PARENTING………………………. NEED I SAY MORE.. YOU AND YOUR CHILDREN ARE IN MY PRAYERS
Bryan,
Thank you for your comments and for taking the time to let me know how you feel. I think the biggest problem lies in the poor drafting of the legislation to be honest. The judge has to apply the law as it is laid down and fill in the gaps if there are gaps. The problem comes in my case because the legislation is so badly drafted: it simply does not cover the issue of mental health problems and so the judge has to decide the case using her own subjective judgement. Unfortunately, you are in the laps of the Gods once you get into the realm of one individual deciding the fate of others. A different judge on a different day and the decision would probably be very different. Shame on the law…….It needs changing, of that there is no doubt in my mind. The purpose of this blog is to gather together other people’s experiences and observations so that i can build up a picture with which to challenge the law through charities such as MIND and ReThink and see if we can push through a change in the legislation.
Take care and keep your faith in your own parenting. Even the scientists can’t say for sure whether it’s nature or nurture so how can the judges????
Um,
Thanks for continuing to keep an interest and continuing to be so supportive. It really does help me you know, to hear your thoughts as it helps me to know that it’s not just my perception that this whole case is so misplaced.
I totally agree with your observation that there are so many parents out there who continue to be allowed to have their children even though they drink, take drugs, beat them up, neglect them etc. There are so many parents out there who have so many problems and yet they get to keep their kids. Who says the law is fair?
I’m still here though: no relapse, no breakdown, no quitting – I will continue to try and try to prove to the kids, the judge, the schools, the neighbours and to anyone else that I am a good mum, a loving one and one who knows that I am able to control my Bipolar and am capable of giving the kids the parenting they need. Keep watching this space…………..x
I’ve lost one child to the court system about 9 years ago and right now under the rule that you set down if they wanted to because my current child is living with me and is developmentally delayed he could be seen as being at risk of harm by the standards that you layed out in your post. I hope that things turn for the better for you soon because I think that you have a good head on your shoulders and I hate courts that follow the letter of the law and can’t see that sometimes the laws aren’t set in stone and forget that laws can be changed or are sometimes just plain wrong.
Hadn’t check on you for a while. Wanted to see if anything good had taken place. Sorry to see that nothing has really changed. This makes me so angry. If all children of bipolar mother’s were taken away, there would be a hellova lot of children taken and put in foster care.
I absolutley hate this misconception that bipolar moms cannot be a responsible parent.
What’s wrong with a society that let’s mothers who dive drunk with their kids in the car off with almost no punishment but want to take YOUR kids???!!!!
This is just plain wrong. Hope you stay strong and keep fighting.
And, remember, readers, it could be US in her position.
http://www.seemedlikeagoodideathetime@wordpress.com
Thank you so much Sarah. I know that I am a very caring loving mother and my kids all tell me that they don’t think i’m ill at all. People who meet my children say what loving, caring, affectionate children they are; clearly if I wasn’t loving and caring, that lack of love and care would demonstrate itself as a lack of caring or lovingness in my children. My husband works very long hours and is not often there for them; he was brought up in an autocratic, unaffectionate family and I feel is less loving and affectionate than my own family. Ill or not, my children have learnt to care about themselves and others which I think is a precious gift to give a child.
I take great comfort from your supporting words Sarah. Thankyou for taking the trouble to comment – it means a lot to me.
I just wanted to write to offer you my support. I can’t believe how thoughtless and uncaring this judge has been.
Kids need to be put first and in your case this most definitely means that they should be in your loving caring arms. The judge doesn’t dseem to be considering their needs at all. I wish you all the est in your quest. I will be thinking of you.