Comments on: Bad parenting stories – are these people suffering with Bipolar? http://kidsneedmums.co.uk/2008/08/01/bad-parenting-stories-are-these-people-suffering-with-bipolar/ A Bipolar Mum Fights for her Children in a High Court Custody Battle Sun, 25 Jul 2010 09:15:14 +0100 http://wordpress.org/?v=2.8.4 hourly 1 By: nickry http://kidsneedmums.co.uk/2008/08/01/bad-parenting-stories-are-these-people-suffering-with-bipolar/comment-page-1/#comment-1298 nickry Sat, 16 Jan 2010 11:02:24 +0000 http://bipolarised.wordpress.com/?p=97#comment-1298 I am in a crap situation at the moment i have fallenn prey to the soicla services so much so that my daughter is now living 300 miloes away in devon and if i get her back then social services will get an care order. She is in devon with my sister and the want to have parantal rights over her. She is 10 and i have brought her up on my own for all that time social services now feel i am unfit due to a depressive episode which i found coping duifficult i went to them for help and they analysed every bad thing i had done in my life then had a case coference with people i had never net and decided i was unfit to care for my child. I am in a crap situation at the moment i have fallenn prey to the soicla services so much so that my daughter is now living 300 miloes away in devon and if i get her back then social services will get an care order. She is in devon with my sister and the want to have parantal rights over her. She is 10 and i have brought her up on my own for all that time social services now feel i am unfit due to a depressive episode which i found coping duifficult i went to them for help and they analysed every bad thing i had done in my life then had a case coference with people i had never net and decided i was unfit to care for my child.

]]> By: Marie http://kidsneedmums.co.uk/2008/08/01/bad-parenting-stories-are-these-people-suffering-with-bipolar/comment-page-1/#comment-187 Marie Tue, 23 Sep 2008 09:27:07 +0000 http://bipolarised.wordpress.com/?p=97#comment-187 Hello there Sandee. I always appreciate someone taking the time to add to my blog with their own heart-rending stories. I am astounded to hear that you were able to have one daughter and not your other children simply because one father believed you to be a good mother but the other father didn't!! This just shows that it is a matter of perception rather than fact; if the facts of your diagnosis, medication and compliance haven't changed then it can only be the perception that has changed in the eyes of one or two people! That is just extraordinary and I feel so cross on your behalf. Yes, I agree that there is an assumption/attitude/perception that having a mental illness = mental incapacity and poor judgement. Sure, some people will suffer from reduced capacity to think clearly and exercise poor judgement, but again the question is: "Who determines what constitutes "poor judgement" and how this is measured against another person's judgement"? It seems clearer and clearer to me that a person's ability to parent is determined by a subjective judgement on the part of the Judge/family/ex partner, than by any empirical, objective evidence. This cannot continue and must be challenged. I'm grateful to you for encouraging me to speak my inner thoughts and feelings as it is a hard thing to do; I am constantly afraid that people will use this opening up as further evidence that I am "crazy and unstable" but I simply cannot stay silent about it as I feel that people need to know the emotional consequences both for the children and the mother. I'm so touched that it has helped you and that my writing has struck a chord with you albeit that it's a painful chord. Take care and keep strong. Marie Hello there Sandee. I always appreciate someone taking the time to add to my blog with their own heart-rending stories. I am astounded to hear that you were able to have one daughter and not your other children simply because one father believed you to be a good mother but the other father didn’t!! This just shows that it is a matter of perception rather than fact; if the facts of your diagnosis, medication and compliance haven’t changed then it can only be the perception that has changed in the eyes of one or two people! That is just extraordinary and I feel so cross on your behalf.
Yes, I agree that there is an assumption/attitude/perception that having a mental illness = mental incapacity and poor judgement. Sure, some people will suffer from reduced capacity to think clearly and exercise poor judgement, but again the question is: “Who determines what constitutes “poor judgement” and how this is measured against another person’s judgement”?
It seems clearer and clearer to me that a person’s ability to parent is determined by a subjective judgement on the part of the Judge/family/ex partner, than by any empirical, objective evidence. This cannot continue and must be challenged.
I’m grateful to you for encouraging me to speak my inner thoughts and feelings as it is a hard thing to do; I am constantly afraid that people will use this opening up as further evidence that I am “crazy and unstable” but I simply cannot stay silent about it as I feel that people need to know the emotional consequences both for the children and the mother. I’m so touched that it has helped you and that my writing has struck a chord with you albeit that it’s a painful chord.
Take care and keep strong.
Marie

]]> By: Sandee in Chicago http://kidsneedmums.co.uk/2008/08/01/bad-parenting-stories-are-these-people-suffering-with-bipolar/comment-page-1/#comment-188 Sandee in Chicago Tue, 23 Sep 2008 00:23:57 +0000 http://bipolarised.wordpress.com/?p=97#comment-188 I want to thank you for your absolute bravery in telling your story. I, too, lost my child to my ex partially because I am Bi-Polar. My love letters, my emails, even just simple notes I left in his lunches all became evidence in court as to what an awful parent I am. I felt, and still feel, so utterly betrayed. I've been diagnosed Bi-Polar for about 15 years. My oldest child is 8. I've also been very serious in taking care of myself and treating the illness. No less serious than if I had cancer or diabetes. I see my doctors, take my medications, and do whatever is required of me to make it through each day. Yes, some days are better than others. Of course. But, the good days far out number the bad, and, really, the bad days are not as awful as one might think. I believe there is a common belief out there that if someone has a mental illness, it is immediately assumed they also have a diminished mental capacity. I am appalled that this image continues to this day, inspite of evidence to the contrary. It is my belief that this assumption led to my losing custody of my child. Oddly, I was allowed to maintain custody of my eldest child as she was from a different father. He believes me a good parent and has never challenged that. How is it that the court could ignore that??? There IS an enourmous bias out there against individuals who suffer from mental illness. More so for MOTHERS who suffer from them. It's a sad statement about how little we truly have advanced as a society. I applaud you for putting yourself in the light and risking the scrutiny of the public eye. Your "Ghost" entry was like reading my heart's longing on paper. Thank you again. You made me feel a little less alone and a little more human. I want to thank you for your absolute bravery in telling your story. I, too, lost my child to my ex partially because I am Bi-Polar. My love letters, my emails, even just simple notes I left in his lunches all became evidence in court as to what an awful parent I am. I felt, and still feel, so utterly betrayed. I’ve been diagnosed Bi-Polar for about 15 years. My oldest child is 8. I’ve also been very serious in taking care of myself and treating the illness. No less serious than if I had cancer or diabetes. I see my doctors, take my medications, and do whatever is required of me to make it through each day. Yes, some days are better than others. Of course. But, the good days far out number the bad, and, really, the bad days are not as awful as one might think. I believe there is a common belief out there that if someone has a mental illness, it is immediately assumed they also have a diminished mental capacity. I am appalled that this image continues to this day, inspite of evidence to the contrary. It is my belief that this assumption led to my losing custody of my child. Oddly, I was allowed to maintain custody of my eldest child as she was from a different father. He believes me a good parent and has never challenged that. How is it that the court could ignore that???
There IS an enourmous bias out there against individuals who suffer from mental illness. More so for MOTHERS who suffer from them. It’s a sad statement about how little we truly have advanced as a society.
I applaud you for putting yourself in the light and risking the scrutiny of the public eye. Your “Ghost” entry was like reading my heart’s longing on paper.
Thank you again. You made me feel a little less alone and a little more human.

]]> By: nasda http://kidsneedmums.co.uk/2008/08/01/bad-parenting-stories-are-these-people-suffering-with-bipolar/comment-page-1/#comment-186 nasda Wed, 27 Aug 2008 12:58:38 +0000 http://bipolarised.wordpress.com/?p=97#comment-186 my mum keep hitting me all the time and all the other kids mum doesnt hit thier children my mum keep hitting me all the time and all the other kids mum doesnt hit thier children

]]> By: Mary http://kidsneedmums.co.uk/2008/08/01/bad-parenting-stories-are-these-people-suffering-with-bipolar/comment-page-1/#comment-183 Mary Fri, 08 Aug 2008 07:13:21 +0000 http://bipolarised.wordpress.com/?p=97#comment-183 I can totally relate to your situation. I am a new mom, my son is a year old now. I was diagnosed as bi polar as a teenager 8 years ago, but never really believed something was wrong with me.Four years ago I met my husband and he encoraged me to give it a try without Depakote and Seroquel. I have been med free for 3+ years and coping much better than before. Having my son has been wonderful and hard all at the same time. Not unlike any other new mom I have had some anxiety as to weither or not I am doing a good job parenting him. I feel like because of my previous diagnosses I have to exceed expectations so no one has room to accuse me of being a bad mom. My son is a thriving, active, happy and healthy boy. But anytime I tell my husband I am in need of a break or some help with him because I feel overwhelmed he throws the "crazy"card. It is NORMAL to feel that way when a little person is completely dependent on you! Not to mention while breastfeeding and having all of the hormonal fluxes associated with childbirth too! I am learning to separate my fears of being a bad mom because I may be bipolar from the reality that life is difficult, and sometimes the "normal" response to that is to freak out a little! It is okay to be human and make mistakes. Losing your temper and raising your voice at a child may not be the ideal response but it is not going to permanently scar them. Sitting in a car while you can still see them to insure their safety sounds like a rational and good idea that I may steal and use myself one day! As far as confessing bad parenting stories, here is mine.... My little boy never slept through the night for the first 11 months of his life. My husband works nights and I was absolutely exhausted after waking every 2 hours with him. One night he would not go back to sleep. Nothing worked. I nursed him (again!) while sobbing out of sheer frustration and being so tired I could not hold up my head. So at my wits end I laid my 4 month old in his crib turned on his light and yelled at him for about 3 minutes. Did it work? No, he was still awake and so was I... but after that I was able to pick him back up and give him the attention he was asking for. The next morning he smiled and loved me just the same. I think there is a good reason that we cannot remember things from the early years of our lives...it leaves room for our parents to make mistakes but keep on learning how to love and nurture us without being rejected or judged by their kids. Don't beat yorself up for being who you are, a compassionate loving mom who happens to be bipolar. Don't listen to others judgement of you. I am sorry that the stigma associated with our illness has affected your life like this. I hope that your children are given back to you full time soon. It sounds to me like you are on the right path to making that happen! I can totally relate to your situation. I am a new mom, my son is a year old now. I was diagnosed as bi polar as a teenager 8 years ago, but never really believed something was wrong with me.Four years ago I met my husband and he encoraged me to give it a try without Depakote and Seroquel. I have been med free for 3+ years and coping much better than before. Having my son has been wonderful and hard all at the same time. Not unlike any other new mom I have had some anxiety as to weither or not I am doing a good job parenting him. I feel like because of my previous diagnosses I have to exceed expectations so no one has room to accuse me of being a bad mom. My son is a thriving, active, happy and healthy boy. But anytime I tell my husband I am in need of a break or some help with him because I feel overwhelmed he throws the “crazy”card. It is NORMAL to feel that way when a little person is completely dependent on you! Not to mention while breastfeeding and having all of the hormonal fluxes associated with childbirth too! I am learning to separate my fears of being a bad mom because I may be bipolar from the reality that life is difficult, and sometimes the “normal” response to that is to freak out a little! It is okay to be human and make mistakes. Losing your temper and raising your voice at a child may not be the ideal response but it is not going to permanently scar them. Sitting in a car while you can still see them to insure their safety sounds like a rational and good idea that I may steal and use myself one day!
As far as confessing bad parenting stories, here is mine…. My little boy never slept through the night for the first 11 months of his life. My husband works nights and I was absolutely exhausted after waking every 2 hours with him. One night he would not go back to sleep. Nothing worked. I nursed him (again!) while sobbing out of sheer frustration and being so tired I could not hold up my head. So at my wits end I laid my 4 month old in his crib turned on his light and yelled at him for about 3 minutes. Did it work? No, he was still awake and so was I… but after that I was able to pick him back up and give him the attention he was asking for. The next morning he smiled and loved me just the same. I think there is a good reason that we cannot remember things from the early years of our lives…it leaves room for our parents to make mistakes but keep on learning how to love and nurture us without being rejected or judged by their kids. Don’t beat yorself up for being who you are, a compassionate loving mom who happens to be bipolar. Don’t listen to others judgement of you. I am sorry that the stigma associated with our illness has affected your life like this. I hope that your children are given back to you full time soon. It sounds to me like you are on the right path to making that happen!

]]> By: Marie http://kidsneedmums.co.uk/2008/08/01/bad-parenting-stories-are-these-people-suffering-with-bipolar/comment-page-1/#comment-182 Marie Wed, 06 Aug 2008 11:36:03 +0000 http://bipolarised.wordpress.com/?p=97#comment-182 Hi Rachel. Thanks for taking the time to share your view. I totally agree with your sentiment that, unless you've looked after 3 (or more) children of a young age (especially if they are close together in age - I had 3 in 3 years) then no-one can truly say what it's like. I have lots of friends who only started with 1 or 2 children and then went on to have a third. All of them without exception, said that they weren't prepared for how much harder it is when you add in that third child. Add to that the fact that one of them has a serious illness and it gets even harder.... Add to that the fact that you are suffering with depression, and it is even harder. If you then have an understanding spouse, who helps, supports, encourages and is actively involved in the raising of the children, then you are likely to be able to manage... I'm very glad for you that your husband is supportive. Luckily for me I now have a wonderfully supportive, kind, understanding partner who is an absolute star. He has made a huge difference to my life by being so kind to me and the children.... I just hope that my children will be able to get through this separation from their mum and get to be an age where the courts will ask them how their mum copes rather than listening to people who haven't got a clue whether I am a "good" parent or a "bad" one. So far they have told me that they don't see anything wrong with the way I parent and tell me that they love me to bits.....so I'm very lucky to have their support too. I think having depression can often make us into much more understanding, compassionate and less judgemental people as we understand what it's like to struggle at times and not always being able to cope they way we would like to. Our children will benefit from witnessing that compassion towards others and will also learn to be more compassionate themselves. Every cloud has a silver lining and all that..... Good luck with your own parenting. Hi Rachel. Thanks for taking the time to share your view.
I totally agree with your sentiment that, unless you’ve looked after 3 (or more) children of a young age (especially if they are close together in age – I had 3 in 3 years) then no-one can truly say what it’s like. I have lots of friends who only started with 1 or 2 children and then went on to have a third. All of them without exception, said that they weren’t prepared for how much harder it is when you add in that third child.
Add to that the fact that one of them has a serious illness and it gets even harder….
Add to that the fact that you are suffering with depression, and it is even harder.
If you then have an understanding spouse, who helps, supports, encourages and is actively involved in the raising of the children, then you are likely to be able to manage…
I’m very glad for you that your husband is supportive. Luckily for me I now have a wonderfully supportive, kind, understanding partner who is an absolute star. He has made a huge difference to my life by being so kind to me and the children….
I just hope that my children will be able to get through this separation from their mum and get to be an age where the courts will ask them how their mum copes rather than listening to people who haven’t got a clue whether I am a “good” parent or a “bad” one. So far they have told me that they don’t see anything wrong with the way I parent and tell me that they love me to bits…..so I’m very lucky to have their support too.

I think having depression can often make us into much more understanding, compassionate and less judgemental people as we understand what it’s like to struggle at times and not always being able to cope they way we would like to. Our children will benefit from witnessing that compassion towards others and will also learn to be more compassionate themselves. Every cloud has a silver lining and all that…..

Good luck with your own parenting.

]]> By: rachel jeffery http://kidsneedmums.co.uk/2008/08/01/bad-parenting-stories-are-these-people-suffering-with-bipolar/comment-page-1/#comment-181 rachel jeffery Tue, 05 Aug 2008 23:30:50 +0000 http://bipolarised.wordpress.com/?p=97#comment-181 I have depression and have often struggled to look after my 3 children,luckily I have a really understanding husband.I think sometimes i am more understanding because of my mental illness,but other things I'm not so good at.Unless u have looked after 3 children of similar age u can't really understand fully the pressure this puts on a person whether they r mentally ill or not.Anyway who says what is normal or not,often its people who don't have any real experience of looking after several children who r the harshest critics. I'm sorry your x is such an asshole,sory i don't usually swear,but i think u deserve more understanding.goodluck.U deserve to have your children close to u. I have depression and have often struggled to look after my 3 children,luckily I have a really understanding husband.I think sometimes i am more understanding because of my mental illness,but other things I’m not so good at.Unless u have looked after 3 children of similar age u can’t really understand fully the pressure this puts on a person whether they r mentally ill or not.Anyway who says what is normal or not,often its people who don’t have any real experience of looking after several children who r the harshest critics. I’m sorry your x is such an asshole,sory i don’t usually swear,but i think u deserve more understanding.goodluck.U deserve to have your children close to u.

]]> By: » Bad parenting stories - are these people suffering with Bipolar? http://kidsneedmums.co.uk/2008/08/01/bad-parenting-stories-are-these-people-suffering-with-bipolar/comment-page-1/#comment-185 » Bad parenting stories - are these people suffering with Bipolar? Fri, 01 Aug 2008 16:23:51 +0000 http://bipolarised.wordpress.com/?p=97#comment-185 [...] [Technorati] Tag results for mental health wrote an interesting post today onHere’s a quick excerpt A quote from a mother not coping with her toddler: “I was so angry with my toddler son when he was tantrumming and refusing to eat, that I grabbed a tuft of hair on the back of his head and pushed his face into his bowl of spaghetti! His face was covered in spaghetti sauce! The look on his face was of total shock but I was still so angry that I did it a second time”! A group of mothers who had young children got together over coffee one morning. One of them bravely started to confess her wor [...] [...] [Technorati] Tag results for mental health wrote an interesting post today onHere’s a quick excerpt A quote from a mother not coping with her toddler: “I was so angry with my toddler son when he was tantrumming and refusing to eat, that I grabbed a tuft of hair on the back of his head and pushed his face into his bowl of spaghetti! His face was covered in spaghetti sauce! The look on his face was of total shock but I was still so angry that I did it a second time”! A group of mothers who had young children got together over coffee one morning. One of them bravely started to confess her wor [...]

]]> By: Isabell Toddlers http://kidsneedmums.co.uk/2008/08/01/bad-parenting-stories-are-these-people-suffering-with-bipolar/comment-page-1/#comment-184 Isabell Toddlers Fri, 01 Aug 2008 14:36:03 +0000 http://bipolarised.wordpress.com/?p=97#comment-184 If your loved one has bipolar disorder, you may want to get counseling for yourself. <a href="http://kids.morewrite.com/category/kid/toddler/" rel="nofollow">Isabell Toddlers</a> If your loved one has bipolar disorder, you may want to get counseling for yourself. Isabell Toddlers

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