My daughter showed her chronic shyness yesterday, which I believe is a manifestation of the affect my absence is having on her and the ongoing lack of insight of her that my ex has. Her views and opinions are often ignored by him – something that I have both experienced when I’m with her and him, as well as being recounted by her on numerous occasions which she relates graphically and with a depth of feeling that is manifest in her lack of self esteem and anxiety. Yesterday was a case in point. She was being shown around her prospective new school by children who were barely older than herself yet she could not communicate with them. She clung on to me throughout, despite being with both me and her father, largely ignoring him and not once taking his hand. This is striking behaviour given that she has been largely in his care now for the past 18 months. She is now over 10, but behaved more like a terrified toddler hiding behind her mother’s skirt, than a confident child about to enter her teens. She would not step into any of the classrooms on her own – she clung on to my arm and pulled me into them with her, burying her head into my shoulder as much as she could. She asked questions of me, quietly, so that nobody else could hear and would not look at any of the other children in the eye. Even when were being shown around the art room where she saw the pottery and the art class of pottery skills led by a cheerful, friendly, bright young female teacher, she could not bring herself to share her own enthusiasm for the activity she loves most. Instead, I had to ask the questions for her. Very ocasionally she spoke to others but it was with a manifest lack of confidence.
She has always been a relatively shy child but this has been attributed by her father as being the effect that my continuing presence, my Bipolar and my fundamental personality has had in the children’s lives when I was the caregiver. Now that he has been the main carer for the past 18 months, her shyness with others has increased, not decreased as he asserted in court. If he was the right person for her to live with, then why should this state that she is in have continued? It is clear to me: he cannot relate to her in the way she needs him to. He has a fundamental lack of understanding and empathy with my daughter’s shyness and high levels of sensitivity as her behaviour is so alien to his own. Her high levels of sensitivty both to the affects of her environment on herand to her interaction with others is very similar to my own and I therefore have an inherent empathy and sympathy with this trait of hers. He however has no experience of feeling like this and has not shown any willingness to accomodate this – rather he prefers to tell her that she “is being over-sensitive” or “over-reacting” or “imagining” certain experiences that she has. He dismisses her perceptions of her world to such an extent that she is now highly reticent to assert herself with him. I observe all this and feel helpless as I am not there to help her respect her own feelings and teach her assertiveness. Only having small amounts of time with her doesn’t support the kind of understanding and nurturing she needs to help her validate herself.
Most mothers fundamentally know their child and have an inherent understanding of their fundamental personality and nature. Of course their are exceptions, but it is widely acknowledged by most people that this is the mother’s natural ability and is the result of the close bond that a mother and child have. The net result of this lack of a mother’s input – a mother who fundamentally understands her child – is to produce a child lacking in self esteem, a child who no longer trusts their feelings and instints when their main carer (my ex and his nanny) ignores, dismisses and makes light of their experiences. When I try to teach them how to stand up to him, they tell me that they are “too frightened” of him and his anger and that “he doesn’t listen” even when they do try to tell him their feelings.
An example is that my son was told off by his nanny for being naughty when he ate some crisps and hadn’t restrained his friends from eating them too. The fact that he was having a hypo and therefore could barely function, let alone take his friends to task, was not recognised by the nanny at all. Unsurprisingly, he felt misunderstood, resentful and mistreated. Her lack of understanding of his nature and her lack of experience of his condition has a profound affect on him. He grows increasingly resentful of the limits she places on him with regard to managing his diabetes, with the result that he is now angry about his condition and feels that he is not having the support from her that he needs. This is in stark contrast to how he feels when he is with me, as he knows that I understand his feelings and respect them.
I know these things that my children are relating to me to be true as I experienced my ex husband’s reaction to me over many years when I tried to explain to him my own feelings about the world and the people I interacted with. His usual response was that I was “over-reacting”, was “far too sensitive”, that I “imagined it” and that it was my attitude, personality and behaviour that provoked any conflict with others rather than attributing any behaviour on other people;s part to any difficulties I may be experiencing.
When someone is told this time and time again, it knocks their self esteem and devalues their experiences resulting in lack of trust of their own perceptions. Over time, it is an extremely toxic experience which ultimately can lead to severe anxieties and depression due to the lack of ability to follow through on their need to assert their wishes, needs and feelings.
This is exactly what is happening to my eldest daughter and is beginning to happen to my son too who is also telling me that he is frightened of his father and therefore can’t tell him how he truly feels.
I cannot bear watching all this happening and having to stand on the side-lines unable to intervene to support what they are saying and feeling other than when they are being looked after by me. Given that they are with me so rarely, I cannot provide the validation that they need on a regular basis. This is resulting in my children becoming increasingly uncertain of their interactions with others and a lack of ability to assert themselves in challenging situations.
This is highly damaging to them and, in my view, is causing the “significant harm” that the law refers to in the Children’s Act.
Proving it as a causation, however, is fraught with difficulties as proving a link between his attitude and behaviour to them as being the main cause of these problems is still in debate in the on-going “nature versus nurture” debate. What is certain though is that a child’s personality which is a mixture of both parents, needs to be understood and nurtured by the parent who’s personality best matches that of the child. Certainly, in my eldest daughters case, her personality is much more like mine and she would benefit far more from being with someone who understands her than with someone who doesn’t.
How do I prove this? Ultimately, it will be her choice that counts. By that time, however, she may be so full of self-doubt that her ability to make that choice will be greatly hampered as she may no longer trust her own feelings. Only time will tell…..
I came across this article on Justice for mothers: http://justice4mothers.wordpress.com
It’s a fantastic piece of research and well worth a read…..
One of the pieces of research shows that mothers who don’t have their children cope better when it is their choice to hand over the parenting to the father; those who don’t choose their role as the non-custodial parent find it much harder to cope with than those who do. That’s a no-brainer really…..
If any of you want to help out at your school or work with children or vulnerable adults, you will need to go through a Criminal Records Bureau (CRB) check here in the UK (I don’t know what the corresponding test in the UK is – any feedback gratefully received).
The CRB is a government body which has been set up to help organisations in the public, private and voluntary sectors by identifying candidates who may be unsuitable to work with children or other vulnerable members of society. Given the number of high profile cases where sex offenders or other criminals have ended up working with children, the Government has issued guidance to schools and care homes, to ensure that they conduct proper checks on applicant’s backgrounds to determine whether or not they should be working with children and vulnerable adults.
A reader of this blog has said that, because she was sectioned by the police under the Mental Health Act, that she is afraid that it will show up on her CRB check. Because she works with children, she is now afraid that she won’t be able to work with them.
If any of you have ever been sectioned by the police, does this mean that it would show on your CRB check?
I have now researched this and, so far, my research says that being sectioned in relation to a non-criminal act will not show up on a CRB check because merely being sectioned is not a “crime” or an “criminal offence”. The fact that the police were involved does not make you a criminal.
If, however, your sectioning was as a result of a criminal act, then it may well show up. If that’s the case then you need to determine what type of offence it was as there are varying degrees of severity and varying types of offence. So, for example, if it was any kind of sexual offence, then clearly that will be far more serious then a lesser offence. If you have any questions or doubts about your rights, you can go on the CRB website and it will tell you.
On a personal note, I do not have any criminal records, although I was arrested once when I was a University student – the details are at the end if you want a laugh! Nothing to do with any criminal act on my part, I hasten to add.
the worst I have ever done was when I was a University student, in Oxford. My crime was to try and reason with a policeman who was then trying to arrest my drunken Rugby playing boyfriend following a Rugby team strip tease at a friends 21st birthday party – not unusual behaviour for Rugby players or for undergraduates but the local police were not amused! The policeman’s wife had been offended by the sight of so many bottoms (she was driving behind the bus containing the Rugby team) that she insisted on them being arrested!). I told the policeman that he couldn’t arrest my boyfriend unless he could identify him in court; given that my boyfriend’s bottom was the only part of him that his wife had seen, the police would never have been able to identify him!!! The policeman got so cross when I was telling him the law, that he arrested me and threw me in a cell for the day to teach me a lesson!!! I hadn’t sworn, nor threatened, nor touched him but I had told him the law and clearly that didn’t impress him…….
So, apart from that, I’ve never been a criminal, so my CRB check should be clear.
I woke up crying from a dream I had last night. The tears started during my dream: my dream-self was crying and as I woke up, I was still crying.
I had dreamt that I had become a ghost. My ghost-self was able to be anywhere that my children were – it felt wonderful. If they were asleep in their room, I could sit on the end of the bed and just watch them sleeping. If they were sitting quietly reading a book, I could sit next to them mouthing the words alongside them and watch the expressions changing on their faces when they read a funny piece or a puzzling piece or simply watch them becoming drawn into a fantasy world. A world where I was too. I could run outside and play with them, chasing after a ball or just cheering them on…
Nobody would notice, so nobody could stop me. No-one could tell me that I shouldn’t be near my children. I could spend all day and all night with them. If I was lucky, they might become aware of my presence in a positive way and just feel comforted that their mum was with them then they could sleep soundly, assured in the knowledge that my love was all around them even when I was not physically able to hold them and cuddle them.
No wonder I awoke crying…..it’s simply a dream and not a possibility…..
[Don't worry - I'm not suicidal. Far from it, I would never do that to my kids and I feel no reason to do it since making a full recovery]
I dread going to sleep nowadays. Most nights I dream about missing my children, about them being taken away, about them being in trouble and not being able to help them, about having to witness their tears and not be able to wipe them away, about them growing up without me, forgetting that they had a mum. I can only sleep with a sleeping tablet and then I still wake up fretting with a dread in my stomach and memories of the dreams I’ve had floating in and out in the early hours.
I never tell the children I have these dreams. When they tell me of their own bad nightmares, they tell of dreams of me having my head chopped off or about being eaten by a giant spider or about being kidnapped and me not coming to rescue them. My youngest wakes up scared that I really have had my head chopped off and is constantly scared that her dream will come true. She’s fretting about whether I’m safe and whether I will die. No matter how much reassurance I give her, she’s not convinced that I’m alright. She’s often telling me that she loves me “to the moon, and all the way around the universe and every atom in the universe!…..” but then goes on to ask how much I love her, seeking constant reassurance that I do.
My son is being teased at school for the fact that his mum doesn’t live with him; they tease him in front of other boys saying “your mum doesn’t live with you” in a taunt, repeating it until my son has to walk away. What does he tell them? How does he explain? He can’t; he simply has to walk away, hurting. No other boy in the whole school has a mother who doesn’t live with her son. He has to nurse that hurt on his own. Unlike other children with divorced parents who can share their hurt, he can’t; his family story is different from everyone else’s. It’s acceptable to have a father living away, but there is no other mother who is……How does he explain that even to himself, let alone to anyone else….
No wonder we are all having nightmares; it is a nightmare, whether you are awake or asleep and there is no end in sight….this is not a dream, but a harsh reality that my children and I are living in and we won’t wake up to find that it’s just a dream…..it’s horribly real.
September 2008: Edinburgh University is conducting a study of people who are related to someone with bipolar disorder and are between the ages of 16 and 23. The following lines give a description of what the study is for. Information sheets are available for download here
Bipolar disorder is a psychiatric disorder affecting approximately 1% of people at some point in their lives. The cause of the disorder is not known, although genetic factors are thought to play a large part and a few specific genes have also been discovered which appear to increase the risk in some studies. Unfortunately, we still don’t understand how these genes act upon the brain to make people more susceptable to illness. We hope to better understand these mechanisms by studying the relatives of people with the disorder.
Although most people who are related to someone with bipolar disorder will never develop the same illness, a few people will. We hope that by studying a large number of young relatives of people with the disorder, we might be able to predict who will become unwell later using a combination of scans, memory tests and a sample of blood for genetic testing. We are hoping to recruit the following groups of people:
- People age 16-23 with a mother, father, brother or sister with a diagnosis of bipolar disorder, but with no history of psychiatric illness themselves.
- People age 16-23 with no close relatives with bipolar disorder and with no history of psychiatric illness themselves.
People who agree to take part will be assessed by a psychiatrist and a psychologist, receive a blood test for genetic testing and undergo a brain scan. The tests will be repeated again after 2 years. The information sheets explain the study in more detail and exactly what is involved. To download an information sheet click here. If you would like to take part after reading these, please contact us using the details at the bottom of this page.
If you are interested, you need to contact Dr Andrew McIntosh
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What is really annoying me about this whole Bipolar thing is that I might not even have the wretched illness!! For all I or anyone else knows, I could have been misdiagnosed. My friends and family and others who meet me are all still adamant that I don’t have the condition as I don’t exhibit any of the symptoms. Even my partner, who is himself Bipolar, does not think that I have the condition as I am “too well”.
This makes it very difficult to accept the fact that my children have been told that I am not capable of looking after them full time. If I don’t have this condition, then presumably I’m capable of looking after them. It would also clear my medical records enabling me to find work and drive without all the scrutiny that I am currently subjected to.
So, I’ve been doing some research about whether there are other tests available to prove or disprove the presence of any Bipolar condition that I may have. If I do have it, then it may indicate the severity or mildness of it. If I don’t have it, them I’m off back to court to challenge the decision.
The following paragraphs are based on various articles that I have read but I haven’t attributed them as they were wrong in places so I have edited them eg they state that “all Bipolar sufferers have extreme and severe mood shifts from mania to depression.” As you and I all know, that is simply not true for all of us sufferers who experience a very individual set of symptoms. Anyway, do read on….
Bipolar Disorder and the Brain
Bipolar disorder and the shifts in mood that come with it can ruin lives. It often goes unrecognized as an illness and people can suffer for years before it’s properly diagnosed and treated. Now, however, new research that analyzes the bipolar brain could lead to better diagnostic techniques and improved treatment. Recently researchers discovered that abnormalities in certain brain areas that govern emotion can occur in those with the ailment. These findings and others may eventually provide researchers with new tools to diagnose and treat the ailment earlier and more effectively.
More than 2 million Americans and around 1 million Britons have bipolar disorder and the shifts in mood that come with it. Those with the illness in its most severe form (Bipolar 1) can cycle between episodes of manic highs and severe depression that can damage relationships and job or school performance. Those with the less severe form (Bipolar 2) have fewer marked mood shifts but they too can benefit from treatment.
People with bipolar disorder can suffer for years before their illness is properly diagnosed and treated. This may soon change, however, thanks to new research that analyzes the bipolar brain. The findings are leading to a better understanding of the cause of bipolar disorder.The development of biology-based diagnostic techniques that could identify the disorder early and provide insights into how to improve treatment.Currently, bipolar disorder cannot be identified biologically with a simple blood test or brain scan. Instead, a diagnosis is made primarily on the basis of symptoms discussed in the doctor’s office. The disorder often goes unrecognized as an illness for years, but once diagnosed many people with bipolar disorder can be treated with medication. Commonly doctors prescribe drugs that stabilize mood, such as lithium, along with drugs that ease depression.To help speed detection and improve treatment, scientists recently began to scrutinize the bipolar brain and uncover biological signs of the disorder. Some research reveals abnormalities in areas that govern emotions. For example, techniques that imaged the brain indicated that emotional areas deep inside, known as the amygdala and hippocampus, can be smaller in both adolescents and adults with bipolar disorder. This suggests that brain changes are an early feature of the disorder. Other studies that examined brain anatomy and brain activity indicate that those with bipolar disorder can have abnormalities in areas toward the front of the brain that process emotions, including the orbitofrontal cortex and the anterior cingulate. In other work, researchers uncovered some early insight into the roots of these abnormalities by studying genes. Our genes guide the production of proteins that run brain development and function. One study found evidence that a variation of gene, known as BDNF, which produces a factor involved in the development of brain structures like the ones found to be abnormal in bipolar disorder, may increase a person’s risk of developing the illness. Researchers also are examining possible links to many other genes involved in cell survival and development. With continued study, this research may help scientists find ways to detect bipolar disorder earlier and intervene earlier. For example, researchers imagine that in the future they will be able to develop a simple brain scan that identifies suspect brain alterations or devise a blood test that signals that brain changes exist. And perhaps once the genes behind the disorder are clarified, a test could be developed to detect them early.The discoveries surrounding the biological contributors of bipolar disorder also highlight where to focus new treatment development and could help doctors modify existing therapy regimens to match an individual’s particular abnormality. In the end, the research may translate into more peaceful days and longer lives for many.
Research reveals that people with bipolar disorder can harbor abnormalities in brain areas that govern emotions, including the orbitofrontal cortex, which lies behind the eyes and aids complex emotional thinking. In one imaging study, researchers examined brain activity while people with bipolar disorder and healthy individuals conducted a task that tests thinking ability. In general, the activity in the area was abnormal in bipolar patients compared to the healthy participants. Researchers also found that when patients were experiencing depression the activity was abnormally high, shown by the yellow and red coloring at the top of the left brain image. When patients were experiencing manic highs the activity was abnormally low, shown by the blue and purple coloring in the right brain image.
The U.S. Equal Employment Opportunity Commission
FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE CONTACT: SIDNEY B. CHESNIN
March 18, 2003 SR. TRIAL ATTORNEY
(214) 655-3330
HOLLY COLE
SR. TRIAL ATTORNEY
(405) 231-5853
TTY: (214) 655-3363
Worker with Bipolar Disorder to Receive $91,000
in Disability Discrimination Case Settled by EEOC
Employer’s Motion to Dismiss Lawsuit Rejected by Court in Rare EEOC Litigation on Issue of Psychiatric Disability
DALLAS – The U.S. Equal Employment Opportunity Commission (EEOC) announced today the settlement of a disability discrimination lawsuit against Lincoln, Nebraska-based Voss Electric Company (Voss) for $91,250 on behalf of a former worker with bipolar disorder. Voss is a distributor of commercial lighting products, with 12 branches and 16 sales locations located throughout the central United States.
In its lawsuit, case number CIV-02-92-C in U.S. District Court for the Western District of Oklahoma in Oklahoma City, the EEOC charged Voss with violating the Americans with Disabilities Act of 1990 (ADA) by terminating a long-time employee of its Oklahoma City facility who needed in-patient care due to bipolar disorder, a psychiatric disability. Rather than allow the employee the additional time off recommended by his physicians, Voss fired him by taping a termination letter to the front door of his home, the EEOC said in the suit.
Voss had filed a motion requesting the Court to dismiss the EEOC’s lawsuit, but the Court ordered that the case be tried. On February 28, 2003, the Court, in a detailed 17-page opinion, ruled against Voss on all arguments raised against the EEOC, and held that the EEOC’s claims should be submitted to a jury for trial.
The Court ruled that the EEOC had submitted evidence that the former employee’s mental illness, at the time of his termination, severely impaired a number of his major life activities, including thinking, interacting with others, communicating with others, and the ability to take care of himself. Voss then argued that, at the time of his termination, the former employee was unable to perform the essential functions of his job.
The Court, however, ruled that a jury should determine whether the employee was entitled to a reasonable medical leave to enable him to recover sufficiently to return to his former position. After the Court’s ruling, the parties reached an agreement embodied in a Consent Decree approved and signed by the Court.
“For years I did a good job for this company, but soon after I became ill they discarded me as I was trying to get well, which just compounded my struggles,” the fired employee said. “I am thankful to the EEOC for standing up for me and obtaining a fair settlement.”
Robert A. Canino, Regional Attorney of the EEOC’s Dallas District Office, said, “We should credit the sound legal analysis by the Court in this case. This is a difficult area of law to enforce due to interpretational issues challenging the courts, but the EEOC will not shrink from the task of educating the public about the ADA through the pursuit of civil actions when necessary. Decisions like this one which allow a jury to apply the law to specific facts can give victims of disability discrimination confidence that their voice will be heard.”
The EEOC filed suit after exhausting its conciliation efforts to reach a voluntary pre-litigation settlement. The Consent Decree settling the suit provides monetary and prospective non-monetary relief, including training of all Voss employees, officers, managers, and supervisors on the requirements of the ADA, and the posting of a notice informing employees of their rights under federal law at all of its locations.
“Mentally disabled employees are protected under the ADA just as those who are physically disabled,” said Sidney B. Chesnin, lead trial counsel for the EEOC. “Disabled employees are entitled to consideration of a reasonable accommodation for their disability. By simply giving a worker a reasonable period of leave to adjust to a medical condition related to a disability, the employer can often pave the way for the return of a productive employee.”
In addition to enforcing Title I of the ADA, which prohibits employment discrimination against people with disabilities in the private sector and state and local governments, the EEOC enforces Title VII of the Civil Rights Act of 1964, which prohibits employment discrimination based on race, color, religion, sex (including sexual harassment or pregnancy) or national origin and protects employees who complain about such offenses from retaliation; the Age Discrimination in Employment Act of 1967, which protects workers age 40 and older from discrimination based on age; the Equal Pay Act of 1963, which prohibits gender-based wage discrimination; the Rehabilitation Act of 1973, which prohibits employment discrimination against people with disabilities in the federal sector; and sections of the Civil Rights Act of 1991. Further information about the Commission is available on the agency’s web site at www.eeoc.gov.
