Wow! Did I hear my children burst with their feelings tonight! They started by saying that they didn’t want to leave me after our weekend together. Once again, they talked about how unhappy they are about not seeing more of me. They started to talk about how they felt about the Judge and her decision to “take away their mum from them.” They were angry and resentful about their situation and were clear that neither the Judge nor CAFCASS had considered them or their feelings at all. So they expressed their feelings like this:

My youngest daughter thought that the Judge should be sent to hell where she would make the Judge sit in a bath full of spiders…clearly, for her, that was the most appalling punishment that she could think of. For her, the thought that someone she hated would be subjected to what they might fear most, surrounded by what they feared most and in a place (hell) where they would have to stay forever being surrounded by what they feared most was the maximum punishment she could inflict.  Mmmmm…….that’s anger for you.

My eldest child started by asking whether she is now old enough to be sent to jail.  I could see that she was grinning mischievously so played along with her. I told her that, under UK law, a child of 10 was considered legally capable of understanding the difference between right and wrong and could therefore be found guilty of a crime. She then asked whether, if she was sent to jail, she would be sent to jail with all the adults so I explained that children are sent to a young offenders prison, not with the adults. I asked her why she wanted to know.  She said because she has been wanting to go into the Court and thump the judge really, really hard whilst shouting at the same time “How would you feel if your children were taken away from you! You’re not the one who’s suffering! We are! How would your children feel if they only saw their mum every other weekend! You should have come to our home and see how we are suffering without our mum. You’re not the one having to cope with it all, we are! “

She said that she is very angry still with what has happened. She said that the Judge didn’t come to their home to see how they lived and what their home was like, that the judge didn’t meet them or talk to them or even ask them how they felt about their mum or their dad or what living arrangements they would like. They were just ignored and nobody came to talk to them. She said that she hated CAFCASS too: “They should have a young person to talk to us, someone who understands us, not an old person who can’t listen properly! The person should understand how a child thinks about things.”

My son also described, in graphic detail, all the things that he would like to do to the Judge too; these were all about physically hurting the Judge: thumping, throwing things at her, hurting her REALLY BADLY. He also wanted to shout at her, telling her how angry he was about having him mum taken away from him.

They asked whether they would get into trouble if they did this. I said that yes, what they wanted to do was known in criminal law as “assault” and was a crime which people can be put into prison for. I explained that “assault” was a crime in which a person hurts someone else physically, emotionally or psychologically. I stressed that no-one should ever hurt anyone else unless it was self defense if someone was attacking them. They then wanted to know if brothers and sisters were put into jail when they hurt in each in their fights. I said that yes, when they were older, then if they hurt each other badly, they could be found guilty of assault. Their logic continued: “But all brothers and sisters hurt each other, mummy. They all fight each other when they’re angry with each other; they thump and kick each other. It’s normal so why is it a crime?” I had to explain that, one of the jobs of a parent is to teach children not to hurt each other either physically, emotionally or psychologically. It is a crime because no person should hurt another person EVER even if they are in the same family. They then said: ” but if we are angry with each other, or we get hit, then we hit back. What the Judge has done to us is to hurt us, so why can’t we thump or kick her back? She has really hurt us and now she’s just gone back to her own house and left us hurt.”

I was very struck by the intensity of their anger and the way in which children could think of the most appropriate punishment for someone who they feel has ruined their lives. They have often expressed how angry they are with the Judge and CAFCASS, repeatedly saying how much they want to hurt these people as retribution for hurting them so much by taking away their mum. It is that simple to them: they are hurting, so they want to hurt the people who, in their eyes, have hurt them so much.

I am a religious person and also a pragmatic person. I teach them about the bible and that God wouldn’t want us to hurt each other; that he loves us all, that we are all his children (even the Judge and CAFCASS) and that therefore he doesn’t want us hurting each other. He teaches us to be kind to each other and to love each other. It is wrong to go around hurting people and I stress that “hurt” includes emotional and psychological hurt too. I also teach them about what the law says and that we cannot behave in any way we want to as we all need to learn to live alongside each other.

The quote that I repeat to them is “An eye for an eye makes the whole world blind” (Ghandi).

The question they are raising is fundamental: “Who is hurting who?” Who is hurting (emotionally and psychologically) who? If hurting another is a crime and is against the teaching of a Christian society, how do the children understand that, despite the fact that they are being fundamentally hurt, the law states that it is acceptable. I had to explain that there are different areas of law: one law states that it is a crime to hurt another, but another law states that it is not a crime to hurt a child because the law states that “it is acting in the best interests of the child”. The law that governs the decisions about who they should live with tells the Judge what to do and the Judge is following what the law states. The law states that the Judge can overrule a child’s feelings if the Judge deems that the child is better looked after by one person than another even if that is not what the child wants. The fact that they are hurt badly by this decision, does not make it against the law. The crime of “assault” is not applicable here as another law has taken its place.  The children found this, not surprisingly, hard to understand.

I had to explain that, sometimes, the rules that we live by are not always straightforward and, sometimes those rules don’t always make sense because they are so complicated and different rules apply in different situations. The adults make these rules because they understand the different situations. This idea is very hard for them to understand; their view of life is very simple.

The talk from some of the visitors to my site, is that I am the one who is ruining my children’s lives and yet my children’s view is that it is the Judge and CAFCASS who have ruined their lives, not me. You might say that my children wouldn’t want to tell me that they think I am responsible in order to save my feelings; although there may be times when this could be the case, I know my children very well. They are typically brutally honest with me and have no trouble at all telling me when they think I have done something wrong, or hurtful, or careless or not thinking about their feelings. We have a very open communication system and I actively encourage them to tell me openly, honestly and frankly what they are thinking and feeling. I tell them that, unless we know what each other thinks and feels, we cannot make things right for each other. I repeatedly stress that sometimes we are not aware of how we might be upsetting someone and that we are not mind readers so the only way we can understand how each other is feeling is to tell each other. I also tell each of them to “hear each other out” so that we can all tell each other our own side of any situation without leaping to conclusions and judgements and to take it in turns to speak and to listen.

I told them that the Judge made her decision based on only what she heard and that she didn’t hear everything that she needed to hear. I told them that I agreed with them that, the most important people to hear from was the children, yet she didn’t hear them. (I explained that it was CAFCASS’s job to hear the children and then relay that to the Judge). I then told them that she didn’t hear from anyone in my family, or any of my friends and that, if she had, she would have heard “the other side of the story”. Because she didn’t hear both sides properly, she made the decision without hearing all the things that the children would have said.

My eldest daughter then went on to say what she wanted to happen; she said that she thought that a fairer arrangement was to live one week with me, followed by one week with Daddy, one week with mummy etc. They all thought that this would be a good solution, my other daughter saying 50:50…. I told them that mummy and daddy can choose to agree on whatever arrangement we want and voluntarily put aside the current court order if we wish to. The issue is that we would both have to agree on a workable alternative. I would be prepared to try another arrangement if that is the arrangement that the children would prefer. The challenge, of course, is getting my ex to listen to what the children want and putting his own feelings/wishes to one side to enable him to listen with an open mind…

If I don’t work full time, the children get to see me and I’m there for them for their matches, concerts and, well, just “there” for them. The only way they and I can see more of each other than under the strict terms of the court order is for me to turn up to all their school events; I cannot be stopped from doing this as it is my parental right regardless of any court order. I therefore come to all their school events, their school masses and assemblies, their sports matches, their music concerts and so on. I even go to their children’s parties sometimes if it is at a friend’s house; the parents of the birthday children know that the children and I don’t get to see each other much, so they are happy for me to come along…

If I work, they will miss out on those times with me. They already have a mother that they cannot access due to the Court order. I do not have a full time job; I have chosen to be self-employed to give me maximum flexibility to spend time with the children and be there to support them. Consequently, I don’t have much money. I cannot afford a nice car, or expensive holidays or to take them out to restaurants or give them a big house. We have to share a bed and go camping instead of staying in hotels.

I have repeatedly asked them whether they would prefer me to earn enough to buy them nice things and to have a smart car and live in a bigger house or whether they would rather that I have the time to come to all their matches etc. There is a resounding and unanimous vote from them that they would prefer my time than my money. There is not even the slightest question in their minds about that….

The irony is that, because I can’t provide these material things for them, the court is less likely to agree to the children being looked after mainly by me! The idea that one parent (by working full time and therefore not spending time with the children) is more able to “look after” the children because they can provide for them materially is nonsensical given what a child wants. A child wants time with their parents, not a smart car or a big house. Provided the parent can provide food, clothes and a home, who is to judge whether the standard of that material provision is “high enough” to be acceptable and therefore sufficient?

Here is a link to a blog written on this subject from a child’s perspective:

http://laura1318.wordpress.com/2008/07/16/the-working-mum-from-the-daughters-perspective/

I am a mother animal, an animal with powerful instincts to protect and defend her young from intruders and danger. I am a mother whose whole being has become that of caring for her young over and above everything else, even at the risk of her own well-being. Every fibre of my body is wired in this way and nothing can override it. My programming was set millions of years ago and won’t change over my life time.

My instincts are so powerful that they form a deep part of my subconsious, a subconsious that is there for the good of all our animal young. Survival of the species, survival of the fittest. Those with the most powerful instincts will save their young and bring them to adult maturity. My instincts drive me to protect, warn, hunt down, track every danger, obstacle, intrusion which may prevent me from following through on my mothering. These instincts are so powerful that I spend every night dreaming of my children. Every night in my sleep I am looking for them, tracking their movements, sniffing out danger, hunting down intruders, finding my way to them to protect them from danger, fighting anyone in my way to help them in their distress. I am mistrustful, hyper alert, viscious if they are being threatened, fearless, courageous and 100% determined that they will survive at all costs. My own life is unimportant, I would die fighting for my children with not a moment’s hesitation. Their survival and well-being is more important than my last breath.

I grieve for them daily, minute by minute, hour by hour, day by day. They are alive but not under my protection, I am helpless against intruders, I am unable to nourish them, to comfort them, to teach them and guide them. My life has become half shadow even in bright sunshine. They are not dead, so I am not fully grieving yet I feel like a member of a herd whose young has gone missing and crying out for them to come back to me. I feel like an animal in a cage in a zoo with her young in another compound. I feel like I am pacing, pacing, pacing in circles, with a hunger in my stomach, restless and unable to settle.

Animal children’s instincts are set to seek protection from their mother. To find nourishment and comfort from them, to follow them, to be guided and taught by them, to return to them at night for safety and protection.

How does it feel for them to return to an empty nest? Animal young often die without their mother or fail to thrive. Some literally wither and die as they lose the will to live. They lack skills to defend themselves. They cannot hunt as effectively. They don’t know where to find the best catch or how to find a mate or worse, how to mother their own children as they’ve lost their role model and teacher. Any nature programme teaches these fundamentals and we all accept them as true for animals. Why do we question it for humans?

Male animals in the majority of species are not the primary carer. They don’t chose to stay with their young and do the nurturing. Even when they choose to stick with the mother of their young, they are distant and uninvolved; their role is hunter-gatherer. THey will fight for their children, yes, and often to the death with an overriding instinct to protect mother and child. No-one doubts that the male of the species is a fundamental part of the pack.

But they are not the nurturers. They are not the one that the child seeks out for comfort, even when both parents are present. This is not the way all baby animals are wired - they are wired to be with their mothers.

We all know and accept these fundamental instincts of animal behaviour. Why do we think that homo sapiens are so fundamentally different that these animal instincts and behaviour no longer matter? We are animals to the core. Only our “sophisticated” brain tells us otherwise. Our instincts don’t listen to our brain. That’s why we have them - they are there to overide the brain, to keep us alive and protect us even when our brain misinforms us.

I won’t settle. I won’t give up. I won’t stand aside and watch another person mother my children. NO. NO. NO. NO. NO. NO. NO.

Dream diary:

Friday 23rd Oct: I dream that I am at a school function with some of the parents; we are waiting for the children to come in to eat lunch at the buffet. I am looking out for my son, oblivious of anything else going on around me. I say to the Chef” you see, Chef, it’s vital that my son eats before the others, he’s got diabetes, he must eat first and eat well….” I spot him and hurry him to the front of the queue and make sure that his plate is piled high with all the best of the food. I settle him down to eat with his friends whilst I go back to see what’s left of the food. Very little. The chef tells me he’s put some aside but when I uncover the plate, the food has gone. Nothing. I go hungry…..but at least I know my son is eating…

Sat 24th October: I dream that I’m skiing with the children in an unknown skiing area. There are very few people around so it gives all of us room to ski really well. We are in the midst of a strange mountainous areas of craggy rocks with deep cravaces to large, expanses of snow. We are clearly in an off-piste area with much of the snow being fresh with no ski marks on it….The sun is out and the day is beautiful…all in all fantastic conditions to ski in.

My kids and I are happily skiing along when my youngest goes to near the edge. Before I can blink, she has fallen over the edge; I hear her screams as she falls. My pounding heart has leaped into my throat, I cannot breathe through panic. I make my way to the edge and look over…My worst fears are confirmed; she is lying face down in the snow at the bottom of the crevace.

She is dead…..

I awake sobbing, shaking, terrified……Thank God…….it’s a dream…..

This case is just so horrible to read. Of course, I am the first to say that I haven’t read the details of the case as I won’t be able to find them given the confidentiality/secrecy of the courts, but I am inclined to believe many of the facts of this case. Equally I appreciate that this account is one-sided - I have not heard the father’s story and we all know that there are 2 sides to every story. So please read on bearing that in mind….

Essentially, a mother has lost custody of her children to a man with a vast number of criminal convictions (including sexual abuse) who is dying from AIDS. The father claimed that the mother was discriminating against him on the basis of his AIDS/HIV and the courts agreed with him. The fact that he is dying from his illness raises questions of how well he can parent the child in the mean time. He’s been given 7 years to live and the child is only 7. Her daughter is only allowed supervised visits with her mum despite having reported that the daughter is being sexually assaulted in her father’s house.

This is an interesting dilemma. I fundamentally believe that no-one should be discriminated against and I find discrimination against HIV sufferers to be totally inhumane. I have watched a dying man in an AIDS hospice and felt nothing but profound sympathy for those sufferers. There is no doubt that a parent can parent regardless of AIDS. However, there comes a time when the effect of an illness on a person’s ability to provide care for a child becomes an issue of concern. If a person has become so ill that they can no longer function properly, then how can they be capable of parenting? If they are no longer capable, then surely the other parent should step in in preference to some other carer UNLESS that other parent is deemed incapable.

So what are the comparables between this case and a case involving a parent with a mental illness? A mental illness, if properly controlled, means a parent can live a normal life. They won’t die from their illness and it won’t deteriorate unless the sufferer refuses medication. Someone dying from AIDS is highly likely to suffer from depression, anxiety and stress and be unable to hold down a job once the illness becomes severe.

Yet to refuse an AIDS sufferer parenting on the basis of their illness was held by this court to be discriminatory and yet the judge in my case was able to decide that I couldn’t be the full time carer due to my Bipolar illness.

Can anyone help me to see this differently? Am I missing a point here? These questions are not sarcastic - I genuinely would like to hear other peoples views on this…

The mother claims that her troubles have arisen from challenging the court system - the more she has challenged them, the more they put their foot down and refuse to help protect the child.

When does a parent’s determination to protect their child, turn into “trouble making” in the eyes of the Court (or a “vexacious litigant” in our English court speak). She has been told that she is simply refusing to accept the court’s decision and therefore she should go and get help with coming to terms with the decision.

I often wonder whether any of the family court judges have lost custody of their own children. If they have, I doubt very much that they would maintain that a parent should be critised for “refusing to accept” a decision which the parent knows goes against the well-being of their child. The fundamental parental instinct is to protect your child from any harm, including psychological and emotional harm. If a parent believes that their child is suffering from the result of not seeing them (which has been proven many times in research), then they will fight, argue and refuse to give up until they know their child is being looked after properly.

Surely, the Judges realise that this is simply a fundamental human response to their child’s distress? Do they honestly think that a parent will give up?

If the Judges themselves could talk from personal experience of how they came to terms with having their children taken away, then their assertions about a parent needing to accept a decision may become more credible.

Until such a time, I am inclined to think that every parent will continue to fight for what they believe is the right solution for their child. They will put their child’s wishes paramount to a judges disapproval.

Do read the following account from this mother - it’s heart rending….

http://www.aic.gov.au/conferences/2003-abuse/abuse.pdf

My daughter showed her chronic shyness yesterday, which I believe is a manifestation of the affect my absence is having on her and the ongoing lack of insight of her that my ex has. Her views and opinions are often ignored by him - something that I have both experienced when I’m with her and him, as well as being recounted by her on numerous occasions which she relates graphically and with a depth of feeling that is manifest in her lack of self esteem and anxiety. Yesterday was a case in point. She was being shown around her prospective new school by children who were barely older than herself yet she could not communicate with them. She clung on to me throughout, despite being with both me and her father, largely ignoring him and not once taking his hand. This is striking behaviour given that she has been largely in his care now for the past 18 months. She is now over 10, but behaved more like a terrified toddler hiding behind her mother’s skirt, than a confident child about to enter her teens. She would not step into any of the classrooms on her own - she clung on to my arm and pulled me into them with her, burying her head into my shoulder as much as she could. She asked questions of me, quietly, so that nobody else could hear and would not look at any of the other children in the eye. Even when were being shown around the art room where she saw the pottery and the art class of pottery skills led by a cheerful, friendly, bright young female teacher, she could not bring herself to share her own enthusiasm for the activity she loves most. Instead, I had to ask the questions for her. Very ocasionally she spoke to others but it was with a manifest lack of confidence.

She has always been a relatively shy child but this has been attributed by her father as being the effect that my continuing presence, my Bipolar and my fundamental personality has had in the children’s lives when I was the caregiver. Now that he has been the main carer for the past 18 months, her shyness with others has increased, not decreased as he asserted in court. If he was the right person for her to live with, then why should this state that she is in have continued? It is clear to me: he cannot relate to her in the way she needs him to. He has a fundamental lack of understanding and empathy with my daughter’s shyness and high levels of sensitivity as her behaviour is so alien to his own. Her high levels of sensitivty both to the affects of her environment on herand to her interaction with others is very similar to my own and I therefore have an inherent empathy and sympathy with this trait of hers. He however has no experience of feeling like this and has not shown any willingness to accomodate this - rather he prefers to tell her that she “is being over-sensitive” or “over-reacting” or “imagining” certain experiences that she has. He dismisses her perceptions of her world to such an extent that she is now highly reticent to assert herself with him. I observe all this and feel helpless as I am not there to help her respect her own feelings and teach her assertiveness. Only having small amounts of time with her doesn’t support the kind of understanding and nurturing she needs to help her validate herself.

Most mothers fundamentally know their child and have an inherent understanding of their fundamental personality and nature. Of course their are exceptions, but it is widely acknowledged by most people that this is the mother’s natural ability and is the result of the close bond that a mother and child have. The net result of this lack of a mother’s input - a mother who fundamentally understands her child - is to produce a child lacking in self esteem, a child who no longer trusts their feelings and instints when their main carer (my ex and his nanny) ignores, dismisses and makes light of their experiences. When I try to teach them how to stand up to him, they tell me that they are “too frightened” of him and his anger and that “he doesn’t listen” even when they do try to tell him their feelings.

An example is that my son was told off by his nanny for being naughty when he ate some crisps and hadn’t restrained his friends from eating them too. The fact that he was having a hypo and therefore could barely function, let alone take his friends to task, was not recognised by the nanny at all. Unsurprisingly, he felt misunderstood, resentful and mistreated. Her lack of understanding of his nature and her lack of experience of his condition has a profound affect on him. He grows increasingly resentful of the limits she places on him with regard to managing his diabetes, with the result that he is now angry about his condition and feels that he is not having the support from her that he needs. This is in stark contrast to how he feels when he is with me, as he knows that I understand his feelings and respect them.

I know these things that my children are relating to me to be true as I experienced my ex husband’s reaction to me over many years when I tried to explain to him my own feelings about the world and the people I interacted with. His usual response was that I was “over-reacting”, was “far too sensitive”, that I “imagined it” and that it was my attitude, personality and behaviour that provoked any conflict with others rather than attributing any behaviour on other people;s part to any difficulties I may be experiencing.

When someone is told this time and time again, it knocks their self esteem and devalues their experiences resulting in lack of trust of their own perceptions. Over time, it is an extremely toxic experience which ultimately can lead to severe anxieties and depression due to the lack of ability to follow through on their need to assert their wishes, needs and feelings.

This is exactly what is happening to my eldest daughter and is beginning to happen to my son too who is also telling me that he is frightened of his father and therefore can’t tell him how he truly feels.

I cannot bear watching all this happening and having to stand on the side-lines unable to intervene to support what they are saying and feeling other than when they are being looked after by me. Given that they are with me so rarely, I cannot provide the validation that they need on a regular basis. This is resulting in my children becoming increasingly uncertain of their interactions with others and a lack of ability to assert themselves in challenging situations.

This is highly damaging to them and, in my view, is causing the “significant harm” that the law refers to in the Children’s Act.

Proving it as a causation, however, is fraught with difficulties as proving a link between his attitude and behaviour to them as being the main cause of these problems is still in debate in the on-going “nature versus nurture” debate. What is certain though is that a child’s personality which is a mixture of both parents, needs to be understood and nurtured by the parent who’s personality best matches that of the child. Certainly, in my eldest daughters case, her personality is much more like mine and she would benefit far more from being with someone who understands her than with someone who doesn’t.

How do I prove this? Ultimately, it will be her choice that counts. By that time, however, she may be so full of self-doubt that her ability to make that choice will be greatly hampered as she may no longer trust her own feelings. Only time will tell…..

I woke up crying from a dream I had last night. The tears started during my dream: my dream-self was crying and as I woke up, I was still crying.

I had dreamt that I had become a ghost. My ghost-self was able to be anywhere that my children were - it felt wonderful. If they were asleep in their room, I could sit on the end of the bed and just watch them sleeping. If they were sitting quietly reading a book, I could sit next to them mouthing the words alongside them and watch the expressions changing on their faces when they read a funny piece or a puzzling piece or simply watch them becoming drawn into a fantasy world. A world where I was too. I could run outside and play with them, chasing after a ball or just cheering them on…

Nobody would notice, so nobody could stop me. No-one could tell me that I shouldn’t be near my children. I could spend all day and all night with them. If I was lucky, they might become aware of my presence in a positive way and just feel comforted that their mum was with them then they could sleep soundly, assured in the knowledge that my love was all around them even when I was not physically able to hold them and cuddle them.

No wonder I awoke crying…..it’s simply a dream and not a possibility…..

[Don't worry - I'm not suicidal. Far from it, I would never do that to my kids and I feel no reason to do it since making a full recovery]

I dread going to sleep nowadays. Most nights I dream about missing my children, about them being taken away, about them being in trouble and not being able to help them, about having to witness their tears and not be able to wipe them away, about them growing up without me, forgetting that they had a mum. I can only sleep with a sleeping tablet and then I still wake up fretting with a dread in my stomach and memories of the dreams I’ve had floating in and out in the early hours.

I never tell the children I have these dreams. When they tell me of their own bad nightmares, they tell of dreams of me having my head chopped off or about being eaten by a giant spider or about being kidnapped and me not coming to rescue them. My youngest wakes up scared that I really have had my head chopped off and is constantly scared that her dream will come true. She’s fretting about whether I’m safe and whether I will die. No matter how much reassurance I give her, she’s not convinced that I’m alright. She’s often telling me that she loves me “to the moon, and all the way around the universe and every atom in the universe!…..” but then goes on to ask how much I love her, seeking constant reassurance that I do.

My son is being teased at school for the fact that his mum doesn’t live with him; they tease him in front of other boys saying “your mum doesn’t live with you” in a taunt, repeating it until my son has to walk away. What does he tell them? How does he explain? He can’t; he simply has to walk away, hurting. No other boy in the whole school has a mother who doesn’t live with her son. He has to nurse that hurt on his own. Unlike other children with divorced parents who can share their hurt, he can’t; his family story is different from everyone else’s. It’s acceptable to have a father living away, but there is no other mother who is……How does he explain that even to himself, let alone to anyone else….

No wonder we are all having nightmares; it is a nightmare, whether you are awake or asleep and there is no end in sight….this is not a dream, but a harsh reality that my children and I are living in and we won’t wake up to find that it’s just a dream…..it’s horribly real.

I am researching the rights of the child and have started to read about the United Nations Convention on the Rights of the Child. The full English text of the Convention can be found here: http://www.ohchr.org/english/law/pdf/crc.pdf.

 It’s a lot to take in so, for the moment, I’m just posting the link. I’ll add to this post once I’ve had time to consider further what the Convention says and means…………..

Happy reading……..

My little 7 year old son hugs and hugs and hugs me, clinging on whenever he sees me. I call him “my little shadow”. Wherever I go, even if it’s just to the loo, or to make a cup of tea, or to empty the washing machine, he’s there by my side. Sometime’s he’s there silently and neither of us speak - we just want to be in each other’s company. Other times, he’s there because he wants to share his thoughts, his questions, his jokes, his fears, his problems at school, his observations or just simply to tell me how much he loves me.

Last weekend, he was hugging me so much, just constantly. Whenever I sat down, even when I was sopping wet from the sea and cold, he jumped onto my lap and snuggled in for all he was worth. Thumb goes in his mouth and he’s comforted and warm; if he was a cat, he’d have been purring.

During one of these cuddles, I asked him who he gets cuddles from when he’s not with me. He said “nobody”. I prompted him gently to try and remind him of all the possibilities when I’m not there.

“What about if you feel sad at school or you just feel like a big warm hug; can you ask your teacher? Or the other teacher who’s known you since Reception.? You really like her and she’s a mummy too so she’s good at hugging and she knows that boys still like a big hug…….She’s given you lots of hugs when you were in the junior school.”

“No, I don’t like “teacher hugs”.

“Well, how about from your nanny. She’s soft and warm and cuddly. I know she likes to cuddle you if you want one coz she’s told me so.”

“No, I don’t want her cuddles - they’re not the same as yours”

“Well, I’m sure Daddy will give you hugs if you ask him. He’s big and strong like a bear and “man cuddles” are often the best cuddles - they make you feel really safe..”

“No, mummy. I just want a “mummy hug” - nobody else’s hugs are like mummy hugs.”

“But then who hugs you when you need one?”

“My rabbit [his cuddly toy]. Rabbit hugs me. Those are the best hugs when you’re not here, mummy. Why can’t I live with you mummy? Nobody else hugs like you do. They don’t feel the same.”

Well, somehow I knew it was going to happen - the continuing excuses as to why my husband still thinks I shouldn’t be able to see the kids………

In April,I was forced to leave the family home following my husbands Occupation Order to get me out on the basis that my presence in the house was causing the children “significant harm”. I didn’t agree that it was my “continuing presence” that was causing them harm, but the arguing and bickering was distressing for them. My own view though was that it would be even more distressing for them if I left, especially without another home to go to and for them to call their own too. But I was advised by my lawyers that the Judge would force me to go so, rather than spending another £20,000 of wasted legal fees, I was told I should go. So I did, very unhappily. Not surprisingly the children were terribly upset. They told me they kept going into my empty room and couldn’t believe that I was gone………..and so was my bed that they cuddled up to me in.

However, I have Shared Residency Order which states that the children are to live with me for half the holidays and every other weekend during term time, and another afternoon or possibly two each week for the mother as agreed between the parties. So my solicitors wrote to his, suggesting that the kids and I should see each other every Tuesday and Thursday afternoon after school - an arrangement which the Judge had said in the Court Order that she would “welcome” but it would have to be with agreement by both parents.

However, I thought at the time the Order was made that the reality was that my husband wouldn’t agree to it and, sure enough, he is still refusing to agree to an afternoon after school so that the kids and I can see each other. His reasons are still the same as they were 6 months ago: “the children need routine and stability.” Well, surely the same afternoon each week for contact is “routine”. Surely the children will feel more “stable” if they see their mother once a week? “The children have a very important year ahead of them at school.” Oh, and not seeing their mother is going to help them with that??

Where are the children’s rights here? Or their Human Right to have a family life (one of the Rights set out under the Human Rights Act). Or my “mother’s rights”…..Who says there are any such things???

Herein lies one of the biggest problems with a Court Order in Family Law which leaves any kind of extra time with either parent to the agreement between them: it was so obvious to me that my husband wasn’t going to agree to any extra time. When he and his barrister both made oral promises to the Judge that he would definitely encourage and facilitate as much time as possible with me, I could see through his charm, but the Judge was convinced by him. The Judge, however, didn’t go as far as to enshrine any right of the kids to see me mid-week so my requests for more time will continue to be met with refusal.

(To give him his due, he did allow the kids and I to celebrate my birthday together last Thursday which was absolutely brilliant! They got me a Scooby Doo birthday cake with more candles than space on his vast face………yes, I’m ancient……Best birthday I’d had in a very long time. Just me and the kids. Bliss). But that is one rare occasion of “extra” time.

What can I do about it?

I will keep asking, just keep writing, keep writing, keep writing with the same request hoping that he will eventually realise that it isn’t kind to either the kids or me to keep us separated from each other.

The only other option is to go back to the Judge and ask her to adjudicate again on the issue of these after school times. My husband must surely be expecting that I will have to do this; he can’t think that I wouldn’t want to keep asking to see them or that the kids won’t keep asking to see me?  It makes so much more sense though to just be sensible rather than going back to Court again. That would be distressing for all of us, but maybe not as distressing as the continuing absence of my children and I being able to spend time together. 

The thing is, my Bipolar is completely under control and has been ever since before the Court hearing started; I have repeatedly been given the all clear by my psychiatrist who says I am perfectly stable. So it’s not like I’m manic or hypomanic or severely depressed or alcoholic or abusive or anything else - I’m just a really decent, loving mum who wants to see her kids and, most of all, give them loads of love and hugs………..I’ve even told him that he can insist on making me have a psychiatric assessment of my mental health every 6-8 weeks if he needs any reassurance, so why’s he refusing to take me up on it?

His latest reasons are that I have been “turning up at the kids schools and this has distressed them.” What I have, in fact, been doing, is to attend every single school event that I can so that I get to look at the kids even if I can’t hug them or talk with them. So I go to all the school masses, services, sports events, coffee mornings, kids parties etc. I am fully legally entitled to go to these, so I’m not just “turning up”. Also the kids want me there at their sports matches, their masses, concerts etc. The only reason they are distressed is because they’re not seeing enough of me, not because I’m there!

He then cites the fact that on around 3-4 ocasions, I have dropped the children back between 15mins - 1 hour late on a Sunday night after my long drive back up to Kingston through Sunday afternoon, London-bound traffic. This is “proof” that I am unreliable and irresponsible……………..clearly.

So, I just have to keep asking. Most importantly, the kids keep asking me why they can’t see me more often and they ask me to ask him. So I do. And he says no. So I ask again. And he says no. When the children ask me why he says no, I simply have to say “I don’t know why, you’ll need to ask him yourself.” What else can I say?

My eldest daughter (frighteningly mature and perceptive for her age) said: “Mummy, you have to stand up to him. If you don’t, he’ll just keep treating you badly and ignoring you. If you let him get away with it, he’ll carry on doing it. You can’t let him carry on like this.”

Well, that may be the truth and I want to stand up to him for her and my sake. But just how do you stand up to a parent who is determined to put you down and stamp on you? I can only think that I have to be as level headed as possible and appeal to his legal/rational mind. So I keep writing to him.

Unfortunately, due to the incredibly strategic manner in which my husband ran his case (he’s the head of a litigation department, so he knows all the tactics), I have learnt to ensure that there’s a paper trail of correspondence so that he can’t claim that I haven’t requested time with the kids.  I send the emails with the “Read receipt” and “Delivery report” option so that he can’t say that he didn’t receive it (which he has said in the past about emails that he’s denied receiving). When he doesn’t answer, I just keep forwarding the email asking him to reply. If this goes back to Court then I will have all my requests documented that I have continually asked to see the kids and he is persistently refusing. By asking him to reply by email, he has to put his reasons down in writing. Which of course are then also documented so there is no way that he can argue that he didn’t give the reasons that he has, in fact, given. Our whole relationship has always been plagued with the “you said “x”" , “no I didn’t - I said “y”", “no you didn’t” etc. We even discussed this in our 2 and a half years at Relate: how can 2 people sharing a conversation remember totally different things about what was said, in what tone, with what expression etc? Even before we divorced, we agreed that we would write things down in emails to send to each other so that we had a record of what each of us had said in a vain hope of avoiding rows about who said what. Clearly it didn’t work, hence the divorce……..!

Oh, and I forward all the emails and the replies to my lawyer for safe keeping in case there’s any denial that these requests were ever made……………….

However, I am no longer able to afford to instruct a barrister to represent me; therefore I am a “litigant in person”and don’t have to pay any more legal fees. That being the case, any correspondence or further Court applications won’t cost me any more money so I don’t have to worry about the fees. I think my husband will still be paying for his though……

Any other parents out there also having similar problems? Did any of you manage to find a clever way of solving this issue?

Please let me know or just keep hoping for me……………

My children keep asking me this question: “Why won’t the court listen to what we want mummy? When will they have to listen to what we want? When can we decide who we want to live with?”

My son said: “I wish your psychiatrist hadn’t told the Court that you have Bipolar, mummy. Then we would still have you looking after us.”

They don’t understand why the Court has not listened to what they want or, in their eyes, even asked them what they want. They want to know why they can’t write to the Court or stand up in Court and be listened to. I have promised them that I will find out what their rights are………..

As I do my research, I will post up articles that seem to be helpful on various subjects. Here’s what the website “Compact law” says about the Children’s Voice:

The Children’s Voice

Sometimes a court may decide that the children should be represented themselves, the person who represents the children is the Childrens’ Guardian. This is a person selected from a special panel who will have experience of dealing with and advising children. They may have a social service background or be ex-probation officers. They may speak to the children and find out what the children want.

Your children are also allowed to have their own solicitor, the Children Act gives children a voice. A Children’s Guardian will usually appoint a solicitor to act for the children, but the children can also instruct their own solicitor.

It can be very hard for the judge to make a decision when he or she does not know you or your partner and has not met the children. The judge may appoint someone to be the courts eyes and ears, this person is called the “Court Welfare Officer”. They are usually members of the Probation Service and are attached to the Family Court Service.

They will often visit you and your partner and speak to the children and then write a report for the court, in which they can make suggestions.

The judge does not have to do what the Court Welfare Officer suggests in his or her report.

If you are not happy with the report and argue against it, the judge may accept what you say. You should co-operate with the Court Welfare Officer if you can, they are not there to take sides, but that does not mean that you have to agree with everything they say.

The judge can decide to speak to the children personally. However many judges do not like to do this as the children often get upset, because they do not want to be disloyal to one of their parents.

Also, part of the job of the Court Welfare Officer is to talk to the children to find out where they want to live and which parent they want to see.

The judge may feel it is better for the Court Welfare Officer to find out the children’s views.

If a child is thought to be old enough to understand the court proceedings their views will be taken into account. Children aged 12 or over are usually thought to be old enough to know what they want. The judge can decide to listen to the children or the judge can make the decision for the children.

The only principal the court has to consider is what would be in the best interests of the children.

http://www.compactlaw.co.uk/free_legal_information/children/childf13.html

 All of the article is very interesting if that is what in fact happens. However, in my particular case, it didn’t happen like that. I was not informed by my lawyers or by CAFCASS that the children could have their own solicitor - in fact, I have only just found that out! Clearly, I will now start to investigate further how a child can appoint their own solicitor.

CAFCASS, for those of you who don’t know, is the Children and Family Court Advisory and Support Service. They are the Court appointed Guardian for the children. In theory, they should be interviewing the children to find out what the children want and then prepare a report for the court to make recommendations as to what the children want. However, the judge doesn’t have to accept those recommendations, even though he/she hasn’t usually even met the children so can’t know what the children want unless he/she listens to the CAFCASS officer or interviews the children him/herself.

My judge thought the CAFCASS report was “appalling” as he hadn’t met with the children with each parent on our own thereby seeing the interaction. He only saw the children on one occasion and then misinterpreted what they said: I was there when my son said he “wanted to live with Daddy too” but the CAFCASS officer didn’t hear the “too” so reported my son’s statement as “he wanted to live with his father”. This is simply not the case at all; out of all the children he is the one who is expressing his unhappiness most about living away from me. A vital sentiment was misheard but was catastrophic in its consequences. Remarkably, none of these interviews are taped: if they were, then the judge could hear for themselves what the children said, in what tone of voice and with what body language. Given that 93% of our communication is non-verbal, you would think that it would be vital for the judge to hear/see for themselves the details of the interview with the children and not to rely on the CAFCASS officer’s perception of the interview.

In the meantime, here is an extract from a publication produced by CAFCASS advising children what to do when their parent’s go to court over residency:

 Your rights

CAFCASS respects your rights as a child. In particular, we support the UN Convention on the Rights of the Child. This is an agreement made by many different countries about how children should be treated.

Here are some of your rights when there is a case about you at court:

• You have the right to see the Children’s Guardian who will listen to what you want to happen and tell the court about your wishes and feelings.

• You have the right to have your own Solicitor who will see you and listen to what you want. Your Solicitor will speak up for you in court.

• You have the right to ask to attend the court hearings, to see the court or to meet the Judge or Magistrate. Some children want to do this and some children don’t. Talk to the Children’s Guardian or your Solicitor about what you want.

• You have the right to be given written information about your case as long as the information is not damaging to you or to others.

Speak to the Children’s Guardian or your Solicitor about this.

• You have the right to be told what is happening with your case by both the Children’s Guardian and your Solicitor.

• Your have the right to know the decision made about you by the Judge or Magistrate. The Children’s Guardian must make sure you know what happened as soon as possible.

• You have the right to make a complaint if you are not happy about anything we have said or done. See further details on the back of this leaflet.

• If something does not happen that was decided by the court, you have a right to have this looked into by an Independent Reviewing Officer.

 Well, I have had to go on the website to find this: it certainly wasn’t given to my children. I’m off now to print it out and give it to the children next time I see them, together with a print out of the children-friendly version of the Human Rights Act 1998 giving them rights……..

 More on the Human Rights Act in another post……….

I will also do a post about the UN Convention on the Rights of the Child………