My instincts are so powerful that they form a deep part of my subconsious, a subconsious that is there for the good of all our animal young. Survival of the species, survival of the fittest. Those with the most powerful instincts will save their young and bring them to adult maturity. My instincts drive me to protect, warn, hunt down, track every danger, obstacle, intrusion which may prevent me from following through on my mothering. These instincts are so powerful that I spend every night dreaming of my children. Every night in my sleep I am looking for them, tracking their movements, sniffing out danger, hunting down intruders, finding my way to them to protect them from danger, fighting anyone in my way to help them in their distress. I am mistrustful, hyper alert, viscious if they are being threatened, fearless, courageous and 100% determined that they will survive at all costs. My own life is unimportant, I would die fighting for my children with not a moment’s hesitation. Their survival and well-being is more important than my last breath.

I grieve for them daily, minute by minute, hour by hour, day by day. They are alive but not under my protection, I am helpless against intruders, I am unable to nourish them, to comfort them, to teach them and guide them. My life has become half shadow even in bright sunshine. They are not dead, so I am not fully grieving yet I feel like a member of a herd whose young has gone missing and crying out for them to come back to me. I feel like an animal in a cage in a zoo with her young in another compound. I feel like I am pacing, pacing, pacing in circles, with a hunger in my stomach, restless and unable to settle.

Animal children’s instincts are set to seek protection from their mother. To find nourishment and comfort from them, to follow them, to be guided and taught by them, to return to them at night for safety and protection.

How does it feel for them to return to an empty nest? Animal young often die without their mother or fail to thrive. Some literally wither and die as they lose the will to live. They lack skills to defend themselves. They cannot hunt as effectively. They don’t know where to find the best catch or how to find a mate or worse, how to mother their own children as they’ve lost their role model and teacher. Any nature programme teaches these fundamentals and we all accept them as true for animals. Why do we question it for humans?

Male animals in the majority of species are not the primary carer. They don’t chose to stay with their young and do the nurturing. Even when they choose to stick with the mother of their young, they are distant and uninvolved; their role is hunter-gatherer. THey will fight for their children, yes, and often to the death with an overriding instinct to protect mother and child. No-one doubts that the male of the species is a fundamental part of the pack.

But they are not the nurturers. They are not the one that the child seeks out for comfort, even when both parents are present. This is not the way all baby animals are wired – they are wired to be with their mothers.

We all know and accept these fundamental instincts of animal behaviour. Why do we think that homo sapiens are so fundamentally different that these animal instincts and behaviour no longer matter? We are animals to the core. Only our “sophisticated” brain tells us otherwise. Our instincts don’t listen to our brain. That’s why we have them – they are there to overide the brain, to keep us alive and protect us even when our brain misinforms us.

I won’t settle. I won’t give up. I won’t stand aside and watch another person mother my children. NO. NO. NO. NO. NO. NO. NO.

Dream diary:

Friday 23rd Oct: I dream that I am at a school function with some of the parents; we are waiting for the children to come in to eat lunch at the buffet. I am looking out for my son, oblivious of anything else going on around me. I say to the Chef” you see, Chef, it’s vital that my son eats before the others, he’s got diabetes, he must eat first and eat well….” I spot him and hurry him to the front of the queue and make sure that his plate is piled high with all the best of the food. I settle him down to eat with his friends whilst I go back to see what’s left of the food. Very little. The chef tells me he’s put some aside but when I uncover the plate, the food has gone. Nothing. I go hungry…..but at least I know my son is eating…

Sat 24th October: I dream that I’m skiing with the children in an unknown skiing area. There are very few people around so it gives all of us room to ski really well. We are in the midst of a strange mountainous areas of craggy rocks with deep cravaces to large, expanses of snow. We are clearly in an off-piste area with much of the snow being fresh with no ski marks on it….The sun is out and the day is beautiful…all in all fantastic conditions to ski in.

My kids and I are happily skiing along when my youngest goes to near the edge. Before I can blink, she has fallen over the edge; I hear her screams as she falls. My pounding heart has leaped into my throat, I cannot breathe through panic. I make my way to the edge and look over…My worst fears are confirmed; she is lying face down in the snow at the bottom of the crevace.

She is dead…..

I awake sobbing, shaking, terrified……Thank God…….it’s a dream…..

Bipolar disorder is a psychiatric disorder affecting approximately 1% of people at some point in their lives. The cause of the disorder is not known, although genetic factors are thought to play a large part and a few specific genes have also been discovered which appear to increase the risk in some studies. Unfortunately, we still don’t understand how these genes act upon the brain to make people more susceptable to illness. We hope to better understand these mechanisms by studying the relatives of people with the disorder.

Although most people who are related to someone with bipolar disorder will never develop the same illness, a few people will. We hope that by studying a large number of young relatives of people with the disorder, we might be able to predict who will become unwell later using a combination of scans, memory tests and a sample of blood for genetic testing. We are hoping to recruit the following groups of people:

• People age 16-23 with a mother, father, brother or sister with a diagnosis of bipolar disorder, but with no history of psychiatric illness themselves.
• People age 16-23 with no close relatives with bipolar disorder and with no history of psychiatric illness themselves.

People who agree to take part will be assessed by a psychiatrist and a psychologist, receive a blood test for genetic testing and undergo a brain scan. The tests will be repeated again after 2 years. The information sheets explain the study in more detail and exactly what is involved. To download an information sheet click here. If you would like to take part after reading these, please contact us using the details at the bottom of this page.

If you are interested, you need to contact Dr Andrew McIntosh

This makes it very difficult to accept the fact that my children have been told that I am not capable of looking after them full time. If I don’t have this condition, then presumably I’m capable of looking after them. It would also clear my medical records enabling me to find work and drive without all the scrutiny that I am currently subjected to.

So, I’ve been doing some research about whether there are other tests available to prove or disprove the presence of any Bipolar condition that I may have. If I do have it, then it may indicate the severity or mildness of it. If I don’t have it, them I’m off back to court to challenge the decision.

The following paragraphs are based on various articles that I have read but I haven’t attributed them as they were wrong in places so I have edited them eg they state that “all Bipolar sufferers have extreme and severe mood shifts from mania to depression.” As you and I all know, that is simply not true for all of us sufferers who experience a very individual set of symptoms. Anyway, do read on….

Bipolar Disorder and the Brain

Bipolar disorder and the shifts in mood that come with it can ruin lives. It often goes unrecognized as an illness and people can suffer for years before it’s properly diagnosed and treated. Now, however, new research that analyzes the bipolar brain could lead to better diagnostic techniques and improved treatment. Recently researchers discovered that abnormalities in certain brain areas that govern emotion can occur in those with the ailment. These findings and others may eventually provide researchers with new tools to diagnose and treat the ailment earlier and more effectively.

More than 2 million Americans and around 1 million Britons have bipolar disorder and the shifts in mood that come with it. Those with the illness in its most severe form (Bipolar 1) can cycle between episodes of manic highs and severe depression that can damage relationships and job or school performance. Those with the less severe form (Bipolar 2) have fewer marked mood shifts but they too can benefit from treatment.

People with bipolar disorder can suffer for years before their illness is properly diagnosed and treated. This may soon change, however, thanks to new research that analyzes the bipolar brain. The findings are leading to a better understanding of the cause of bipolar disorder.The development of biology-based diagnostic techniques that could identify the disorder early and provide insights into how to improve treatment.Currently, bipolar disorder cannot be identified biologically with a simple blood test or brain scan. Instead, a diagnosis is made primarily on the basis of symptoms discussed in the doctor’s office. The disorder often goes unrecognized as an illness for years, but once diagnosed many people with bipolar disorder can be treated with medication. Commonly doctors prescribe drugs that stabilize mood, such as lithium, along with drugs that ease depression.To help speed detection and improve treatment, scientists recently began to scrutinize the bipolar brain and uncover biological signs of the disorder. Some research reveals abnormalities in areas that govern emotions. For example, techniques that imaged the brain indicated that emotional areas deep inside, known as the amygdala and hippocampus, can be smaller in both adolescents and adults with bipolar disorder. This suggests that brain changes are an early feature of the disorder. Other studies that examined brain anatomy and brain activity indicate that those with bipolar disorder can have abnormalities in areas toward the front of the brain that process emotions, including the orbitofrontal cortex and the anterior cingulate. In other work, researchers uncovered some early insight into the roots of these abnormalities by studying genes. Our genes guide the production of proteins that run brain development and function. One study found evidence that a variation of gene, known as BDNF, which produces a factor involved in the development of brain structures like the ones found to be abnormal in bipolar disorder, may increase a person’s risk of developing the illness. Researchers also are examining possible links to many other genes involved in cell survival and development. With continued study, this research may help scientists find ways to detect bipolar disorder earlier and intervene earlier. For example, researchers imagine that in the future they will be able to develop a simple brain scan that identifies suspect brain alterations or devise a blood test that signals that brain changes exist. And perhaps once the genes behind the disorder are clarified, a test could be developed to detect them early.The discoveries surrounding the biological contributors of bipolar disorder also highlight where to focus new treatment development and could help doctors modify existing therapy regimens to match an individual’s particular abnormality. In the end, the research may translate into more peaceful days and longer lives for many.

Research reveals that people with bipolar disorder can harbor abnormalities in brain areas that govern emotions, including the orbitofrontal cortex, which lies behind the eyes and aids complex emotional thinking. In one imaging study, researchers examined brain activity while people with bipolar disorder and healthy individuals conducted a task that tests thinking ability. In general, the activity in the area was abnormal in bipolar patients compared to the healthy participants. Researchers also found that when patients were experiencing depression the activity was abnormally high, shown by the yellow and red coloring at the top of the left brain image. When patients were experiencing manic highs the activity was abnormally low, shown by the blue and purple coloring in the right brain image.