http://www.manchesterusersnetwork.org.uk/?p=667

“If you have been diagnosed with bipolar disorder and would like to help with research looking into bipolar disorder and the impact on family relationships please read on, without volunteers psychological research would grind to a standstill, you will be very much appreciated by some pretty clever people for taking part in the study” – Rob, webmaster for M.U.N.

We are carrying out a study across the North West that investigates the needs and experiences of people with a diagnosis of bipolar disorder and their family or friends. This aims to help in the development of family interventions to support people with the diagnosis and those around them.

We are looking for pairs of people who are both willing to take part, consisting of a person with a diagnosis of bipolar disorder and their relative or close friend. The study will involve meeting separately with a trained researcher at your home, to complete a number of interviews and questionnaires that will explore your experiences. These will be used to identify links between the symptoms of the person with bipolar disorder and the needs and responses of their relative or friend.

The study will be taking place until March 2009, and at the end we will get in touch to let you know the findings.

If you would be interested in taking part, or in finding out more about the study, please contact

Lalitha (Lali) Iyadurai, Trainee Clinical Psychologist at the University of Manchester

Email: Lalitha.Iyadurai@postgrad.manchester.ac.uk

Tel: 07962 997070

My youngest daughter thought that the Judge should be sent to hell where she would make the Judge sit in a bath full of spiders…clearly, for her, that was the most appalling punishment that she could think of. For her, the thought that someone she hated would be subjected to what they might fear most, surrounded by what they feared most and in a place (hell) where they would have to stay forever being surrounded by what they feared most was the maximum punishment she could inflict.  Mmmmm…….that’s anger for you.

My eldest child started by asking whether she is now old enough to be sent to jail.  I could see that she was grinning mischievously so played along with her. I told her that, under UK law, a child of 10 was considered legally capable of understanding the difference between right and wrong and could therefore be found guilty of a crime. She then asked whether, if she was sent to jail, she would be sent to jail with all the adults so I explained that children are sent to a young offenders prison, not with the adults. I asked her why she wanted to know.  She said because she has been wanting to go into the Court and thump the judge really, really hard whilst shouting at the same time “How would you feel if your children were taken away from you! You’re not the one who’s suffering! We are! How would your children feel if they only saw their mum every other weekend! You should have come to our home and see how we are suffering without our mum. You’re not the one having to cope with it all, we are! “

She said that she is very angry still with what has happened. She said that the Judge didn’t come to their home to see how they lived and what their home was like, that the judge didn’t meet them or talk to them or even ask them how they felt about their mum or their dad or what living arrangements they would like. They were just ignored and nobody came to talk to them. She said that she hated CAFCASS too: “They should have a young person to talk to us, someone who understands us, not an old person who can’t listen properly! The person should understand how a child thinks about things.”

My son also described, in graphic detail, all the things that he would like to do to the Judge too; these were all about physically hurting the Judge: thumping, throwing things at her, hurting her REALLY BADLY. He also wanted to shout at her, telling her how angry he was about having him mum taken away from him.

They asked whether they would get into trouble if they did this. I said that yes, what they wanted to do was known in criminal law as “assault” and was a crime which people can be put into prison for. I explained that “assault” was a crime in which a person hurts someone else physically, emotionally or psychologically. I stressed that no-one should ever hurt anyone else unless it was self defense if someone was attacking them. They then wanted to know if brothers and sisters were put into jail when they hurt in each in their fights. I said that yes, when they were older, then if they hurt each other badly, they could be found guilty of assault. Their logic continued: “But all brothers and sisters hurt each other, mummy. They all fight each other when they’re angry with each other; they thump and kick each other. It’s normal so why is it a crime?” I had to explain that, one of the jobs of a parent is to teach children not to hurt each other either physically, emotionally or psychologically. It is a crime because no person should hurt another person EVER even if they are in the same family. They then said: ” but if we are angry with each other, or we get hit, then we hit back. What the Judge has done to us is to hurt us, so why can’t we thump or kick her back? She has really hurt us and now she’s just gone back to her own house and left us hurt.”

I was very struck by the intensity of their anger and the way in which children could think of the most appropriate punishment for someone who they feel has ruined their lives. They have often expressed how angry they are with the Judge and CAFCASS, repeatedly saying how much they want to hurt these people as retribution for hurting them so much by taking away their mum. It is that simple to them: they are hurting, so they want to hurt the people who, in their eyes, have hurt them so much.

I am a religious person and also a pragmatic person. I teach them about the bible and that God wouldn’t want us to hurt each other; that he loves us all, that we are all his children (even the Judge and CAFCASS) and that therefore he doesn’t want us hurting each other. He teaches us to be kind to each other and to love each other. It is wrong to go around hurting people and I stress that “hurt” includes emotional and psychological hurt too. I also teach them about what the law says and that we cannot behave in any way we want to as we all need to learn to live alongside each other.

The quote that I repeat to them is “An eye for an eye makes the whole world blind” (Ghandi).

The question they are raising is fundamental: “Who is hurting who?” Who is hurting (emotionally and psychologically) who? If hurting another is a crime and is against the teaching of a Christian society, how do the children understand that, despite the fact that they are being fundamentally hurt, the law states that it is acceptable. I had to explain that there are different areas of law: one law states that it is a crime to hurt another, but another law states that it is not a crime to hurt a child because the law states that “it is acting in the best interests of the child”. The law that governs the decisions about who they should live with tells the Judge what to do and the Judge is following what the law states. The law states that the Judge can overrule a child’s feelings if the Judge deems that the child is better looked after by one person than another even if that is not what the child wants. The fact that they are hurt badly by this decision, does not make it against the law. The crime of “assault” is not applicable here as another law has taken its place.  The children found this, not surprisingly, hard to understand.

I had to explain that, sometimes, the rules that we live by are not always straightforward and, sometimes those rules don’t always make sense because they are so complicated and different rules apply in different situations. The adults make these rules because they understand the different situations. This idea is very hard for them to understand; their view of life is very simple.

The talk from some of the visitors to my site, is that I am the one who is ruining my children’s lives and yet my children’s view is that it is the Judge and CAFCASS who have ruined their lives, not me. You might say that my children wouldn’t want to tell me that they think I am responsible in order to save my feelings; although there may be times when this could be the case, I know my children very well. They are typically brutally honest with me and have no trouble at all telling me when they think I have done something wrong, or hurtful, or careless or not thinking about their feelings. We have a very open communication system and I actively encourage them to tell me openly, honestly and frankly what they are thinking and feeling. I tell them that, unless we know what each other thinks and feels, we cannot make things right for each other. I repeatedly stress that sometimes we are not aware of how we might be upsetting someone and that we are not mind readers so the only way we can understand how each other is feeling is to tell each other. I also tell each of them to “hear each other out” so that we can all tell each other our own side of any situation without leaping to conclusions and judgements and to take it in turns to speak and to listen.

I told them that the Judge made her decision based on only what she heard and that she didn’t hear everything that she needed to hear. I told them that I agreed with them that, the most important people to hear from was the children, yet she didn’t hear them. (I explained that it was CAFCASS’s job to hear the children and then relay that to the Judge). I then told them that she didn’t hear from anyone in my family, or any of my friends and that, if she had, she would have heard “the other side of the story”. Because she didn’t hear both sides properly, she made the decision without hearing all the things that the children would have said.

My eldest daughter then went on to say what she wanted to happen; she said that she thought that a fairer arrangement was to live one week with me, followed by one week with Daddy, one week with mummy etc. They all thought that this would be a good solution, my other daughter saying 50:50…. I told them that mummy and daddy can choose to agree on whatever arrangement we want and voluntarily put aside the current court order if we wish to. The issue is that we would both have to agree on a workable alternative. I would be prepared to try another arrangement if that is the arrangement that the children would prefer. The challenge, of course, is getting my ex to listen to what the children want and putting his own feelings/wishes to one side to enable him to listen with an open mind…

If I work, they will miss out on those times with me. They already have a mother that they cannot access due to the Court order. I do not have a full time job; I have chosen to be self-employed to give me maximum flexibility to spend time with the children and be there to support them. Consequently, I don’t have much money. I cannot afford a nice car, or expensive holidays or to take them out to restaurants or give them a big house. We have to share a bed and go camping instead of staying in hotels.

I have repeatedly asked them whether they would prefer me to earn enough to buy them nice things and to have a smart car and live in a bigger house or whether they would rather that I have the time to come to all their matches etc. There is a resounding and unanimous vote from them that they would prefer my time than my money. There is not even the slightest question in their minds about that….

The irony is that, because I can’t provide these material things for them, the court is less likely to agree to the children being looked after mainly by me! The idea that one parent (by working full time and therefore not spending time with the children) is more able to “look after” the children because they can provide for them materially is nonsensical given what a child wants. A child wants time with their parents, not a smart car or a big house. Provided the parent can provide food, clothes and a home, who is to judge whether the standard of that material provision is “high enough” to be acceptable and therefore sufficient?

Here is a link to a blog written on this subject from a child’s perspective:

http://laura1318.wordpress.com/2008/07/16/the-working-mum-from-the-daughters-perspective/

Or does it? It is highly likely that Blair already knew that a relatively high proportion of MPs suffer with mental health difficulties and he was simply accepting of the fact. According to research, published on the Stand to Reason website, One in Five MPs experience mental ill health and are forced to hide their problems…..http://www.standtoreason.org.uk/goals

The report published on 16 July 2008 by Stand to Reason in conjunction with the All Party Parliamentary Group on Mental Health, with support from the Royal College of Psychiatrists, Mind and Rethink has shown that one in five MPs surveyed has experience of a mental health problem but fears disclosing this because of the stigma and discrimination associated with mental health issues.

An anonymous questionnaire completed by 94 MPs, 100 Lords and 151 parliamentary staff has revealed that:

- 19% of MPs had personal experience of a mental health problem (17% of Peers, 45% of staff)
- 94% had family or friends who have experienced a mental health problem
- 86% of MPs said their job was stressful
- 1 in 3 said work-based stigma and the expectation of a hostile reaction from the media and public prevented them from being open about mental health issues.

The report shows that despite significant numbers of people working in Parliament experiencing mental distress, over half of MPs did not think they had sufficient understanding of the Disability Discrimination Act to make reasonable adjustments for a staff member with mental health problems and only 17% had received any mental health awareness training.

President of the Royal College of Psychiatrists Dinesh Bhugra said: “Sadly, stigma is still widely prevalent. Mental illness comes in many forms across the age span, and is everyone’s business. Mental health and physical health cannot be parted. We applaud this effort to start talking more openly about mental illness. MPs occupy a privileged position in the public eye, and greater openness has the potential to lead to a better public understanding of mental health issues.”

I am strangely comforted by the high number of MPs who have or are suffering from mental health problems as it gives me hope that they may be prepared to challenge the legislation and case law governing custody issues where a parent suffers from a mental health problems as presumably, some of these MPs are parents themselves. If the legislation was handed over to them to change, where would they draw the line in terms of assessing someone’s ability to parent? If changes to legislation were handed over to those within Parliament and the legislature who had direct experience of mental health, I wonder how they would chose to re-draft or re-frame some of the legislation governing mental health issues. If their own parenting was being scrutinised with the threat of their own children being taken away from them due to their mental health problems, would they seek to re-draft the legislation?

My guess is that they probably would. My next piece of research is going to be to try and find out some more about who these MPs are and whether or not they have children. I wonder how many of these MPs may have been diagnosed with Bipolar rather than depression. I think I shall attempt to find out the same with the Judiciary. However, I know that people with mental health problems are not permitted to be magistrates, so I now need to determine whether Judges can be Judges if they have mental health problems. If MPs have to step down having been sectioned, I wonder if the Judiciary have to too? If there are MPs and Judges who have retained custody of their children and yet suffer with a mental health problem, it begs the question of the test that is being applied to determine who is a “fit” parent and who isn’t. I’m sure there must be some method in their madness…..I just need to establish what it is….

For the relevant articles, see the links below:

http://www.independent.co.uk/news/uk/politics/one-in-five-mps-suffers-from-stressrelated-mental-illness-868708.html

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/uk_politics/7508128.stm

She has always been a relatively shy child but this has been attributed by her father as being the effect that my continuing presence, my Bipolar and my fundamental personality has had in the children’s lives when I was the caregiver. Now that he has been the main carer for the past 18 months, her shyness with others has increased, not decreased as he asserted in court. If he was the right person for her to live with, then why should this state that she is in have continued? It is clear to me: he cannot relate to her in the way she needs him to. He has a fundamental lack of understanding and empathy with my daughter’s shyness and high levels of sensitivity as her behaviour is so alien to his own. Her high levels of sensitivty both to the affects of her environment on herand to her interaction with others is very similar to my own and I therefore have an inherent empathy and sympathy with this trait of hers. He however has no experience of feeling like this and has not shown any willingness to accomodate this – rather he prefers to tell her that she “is being over-sensitive” or “over-reacting” or “imagining” certain experiences that she has. He dismisses her perceptions of her world to such an extent that she is now highly reticent to assert herself with him. I observe all this and feel helpless as I am not there to help her respect her own feelings and teach her assertiveness. Only having small amounts of time with her doesn’t support the kind of understanding and nurturing she needs to help her validate herself.

Most mothers fundamentally know their child and have an inherent understanding of their fundamental personality and nature. Of course their are exceptions, but it is widely acknowledged by most people that this is the mother’s natural ability and is the result of the close bond that a mother and child have. The net result of this lack of a mother’s input – a mother who fundamentally understands her child – is to produce a child lacking in self esteem, a child who no longer trusts their feelings and instints when their main carer (my ex and his nanny) ignores, dismisses and makes light of their experiences. When I try to teach them how to stand up to him, they tell me that they are “too frightened” of him and his anger and that “he doesn’t listen” even when they do try to tell him their feelings.

An example is that my son was told off by his nanny for being naughty when he ate some crisps and hadn’t restrained his friends from eating them too. The fact that he was having a hypo and therefore could barely function, let alone take his friends to task, was not recognised by the nanny at all. Unsurprisingly, he felt misunderstood, resentful and mistreated. Her lack of understanding of his nature and her lack of experience of his condition has a profound affect on him. He grows increasingly resentful of the limits she places on him with regard to managing his diabetes, with the result that he is now angry about his condition and feels that he is not having the support from her that he needs. This is in stark contrast to how he feels when he is with me, as he knows that I understand his feelings and respect them.

I know these things that my children are relating to me to be true as I experienced my ex husband’s reaction to me over many years when I tried to explain to him my own feelings about the world and the people I interacted with. His usual response was that I was “over-reacting”, was “far too sensitive”, that I “imagined it” and that it was my attitude, personality and behaviour that provoked any conflict with others rather than attributing any behaviour on other people;s part to any difficulties I may be experiencing.

When someone is told this time and time again, it knocks their self esteem and devalues their experiences resulting in lack of trust of their own perceptions. Over time, it is an extremely toxic experience which ultimately can lead to severe anxieties and depression due to the lack of ability to follow through on their need to assert their wishes, needs and feelings.

This is exactly what is happening to my eldest daughter and is beginning to happen to my son too who is also telling me that he is frightened of his father and therefore can’t tell him how he truly feels.

I cannot bear watching all this happening and having to stand on the side-lines unable to intervene to support what they are saying and feeling other than when they are being looked after by me. Given that they are with me so rarely, I cannot provide the validation that they need on a regular basis. This is resulting in my children becoming increasingly uncertain of their interactions with others and a lack of ability to assert themselves in challenging situations.

This is highly damaging to them and, in my view, is causing the “significant harm” that the law refers to in the Children’s Act.

Proving it as a causation, however, is fraught with difficulties as proving a link between his attitude and behaviour to them as being the main cause of these problems is still in debate in the on-going “nature versus nurture” debate. What is certain though is that a child’s personality which is a mixture of both parents, needs to be understood and nurtured by the parent who’s personality best matches that of the child. Certainly, in my eldest daughters case, her personality is much more like mine and she would benefit far more from being with someone who understands her than with someone who doesn’t.

How do I prove this? Ultimately, it will be her choice that counts. By that time, however, she may be so full of self-doubt that her ability to make that choice will be greatly hampered as she may no longer trust her own feelings. Only time will tell…..

I had dreamt that I had become a ghost. My ghost-self was able to be anywhere that my children were – it felt wonderful. If they were asleep in their room, I could sit on the end of the bed and just watch them sleeping. If they were sitting quietly reading a book, I could sit next to them mouthing the words alongside them and watch the expressions changing on their faces when they read a funny piece or a puzzling piece or simply watch them becoming drawn into a fantasy world. A world where I was too. I could run outside and play with them, chasing after a ball or just cheering them on…

Nobody would notice, so nobody could stop me. No-one could tell me that I shouldn’t be near my children. I could spend all day and all night with them. If I was lucky, they might become aware of my presence in a positive way and just feel comforted that their mum was with them then they could sleep soundly, assured in the knowledge that my love was all around them even when I was not physically able to hold them and cuddle them.

No wonder I awoke crying…..it’s simply a dream and not a possibility…..

[Don't worry - I'm not suicidal. Far from it, I would never do that to my kids and I feel no reason to do it since making a full recovery]

I dread going to sleep nowadays. Most nights I dream about missing my children, about them being taken away, about them being in trouble and not being able to help them, about having to witness their tears and not be able to wipe them away, about them growing up without me, forgetting that they had a mum. I can only sleep with a sleeping tablet and then I still wake up fretting with a dread in my stomach and memories of the dreams I’ve had floating in and out in the early hours.

I never tell the children I have these dreams. When they tell me of their own bad nightmares, they tell of dreams of me having my head chopped off or about being eaten by a giant spider or about being kidnapped and me not coming to rescue them. My youngest wakes up scared that I really have had my head chopped off and is constantly scared that her dream will come true. She’s fretting about whether I’m safe and whether I will die. No matter how much reassurance I give her, she’s not convinced that I’m alright. She’s often telling me that she loves me “to the moon, and all the way around the universe and every atom in the universe!…..” but then goes on to ask how much I love her, seeking constant reassurance that I do.

My son is being teased at school for the fact that his mum doesn’t live with him; they tease him in front of other boys saying “your mum doesn’t live with you” in a taunt, repeating it until my son has to walk away. What does he tell them? How does he explain? He can’t; he simply has to walk away, hurting. No other boy in the whole school has a mother who doesn’t live with her son. He has to nurse that hurt on his own. Unlike other children with divorced parents who can share their hurt, he can’t; his family story is different from everyone else’s. It’s acceptable to have a father living away, but there is no other mother who is……How does he explain that even to himself, let alone to anyone else….

No wonder we are all having nightmares; it is a nightmare, whether you are awake or asleep and there is no end in sight….this is not a dream, but a harsh reality that my children and I are living in and we won’t wake up to find that it’s just a dream…..it’s horribly real.

When I heard of this (from my son, not from my ex or from his nanny), I wrote to my ex to ask him why he had done this without my consent and asking him for details of the orthodontist so that I can ask various questions about my son’s treatment.

My ex has not replied to my email and has simply gone ahead and has had the treatment started – braces fixed.

Now I’m really annoyed about this. I agree that my son should have the braces fitted but that’s not the point. The point is that my exhusband had no right to go ahead and give medical treatment to one of our children without my consent. I have parental responsibility, which means:

June 2006: 

Well, the Judgment in the Ancillary relief proceedings has been given after 14 months of finance proceedings involving around 6 separate hearings and a 4 day trial in the High Court. Further cross examination by yet another hostile and unnecessarily aggressive barrister, further humiliation and upset for me. Finally, the Judge awarded me 2/3 of the capital of the house, but only a small percentage of my husband’s income ie £35k out of my husband’s £142k. The Judge  accepted that, due to my Bipolar, it will be harder for me to get a well paid job so he gave me a higher proportion of the capital to try and ensure that I will be able to provide me and the kids with a house out of the balance of the capital of the sale of the house.

Great. In theory.  BUT He went on to say that my exhusband has total control over the sale of the house.

Guess what my exhusband does?

You’ve guessed it! He has agreed a sale on it which leaves me with a huge debt and no way to pay it. Although I appreciate that there is a credit crunch and the housing market is unstable, he has agreed an offer which represents a fall of 35% of the original sale value. Although this price means that he will also be left in debt, he has the lion’s share of his income with which to meet his debt repayments.

My maintenance doesn’t cover even half of the debt repayments on that kind of debt. I have no steady income and little hope at the moment of establishing one. I cannot buy a home for my children nor even rent one, despite the fact that I have Shared Residency  (definition in the Children’s Act ) and therefore a responsibility to provide them with a home. We live out of my brother’s spare bedroom with 3 of us sharing a bed whilst the other one sleeps on a single bed in the same room….I have now been living like this for 18 monts while he has remained in our 7 bedroomed house…..

He claims he cannot afford to give me more maintenance to fund a rental home for me and the children.

I have Shared Residency of the children. This means that the children have their home with me AND my husband. Even though he has been given the care of them for most of the term time week, the law states that the children need to be housed with BOTH of us.

Yet the Judge’s decision leaves my husband with £190,000k net per annum with which to house himself, his nanny and for his and the children’s living expenses. I am left with £35, 000 with which to house myself and the children, to meet the debt repayments of £100,000 and to provide my children with clothes, food and sundries. After paying my debt repayments, I am left with around £500 a month to meet their and my needs.

Now I appreciate that many people would say that they would be incredibly grateful for £500 a month and part of me feels ashamed at complaining about it; I know that a great number of people have far less than that to live on and many receive nothing at all from their ex spouse.

But that’s not the point: the point is the vast disparity between our respective levels of living from here on in. It is the inequality that I am upset by and feel that the whole result has been hugely unfair in what is supposed to be a fair system. 

Under the Matrimonial Homes Act 1973, section 25 states that the Court has to take the following issues into account when deciding how to distribute the proceeds of the family house together with making financial provisiong for both the children and the spouses. The considerations are as follows:

(a) the income, earning capacity, property and other financial resources which each of the parties to the marriage has or is likely to have in the forseeable future;

(b) the financial needs, obligations and responsibilities which each of the parties to the marriage has or is likely to have in the forseeable future;

(c) the standard of living enjoyed by the family before the breakdown of the marriage;

(d) the age of each party to the marriage and the duration of the marriage;

(e) any physical or mental disability of either of the parties to the marriage;

(f) the contributions made by each of the parties to the welfare of the family, including any contribution made by looking after the home or caring for the family;

(g) the value to either of the parties to the marriage of any benefit (for example, a pension) which, by reason of the dissolution or annulment of the marriage that party will lose the chance of acquiring.

The court has to exercise those powers to place the parties, so far as it is practicable, in the financial position in which they would have been if the marriage had not broken down and each had properly discharge his/her financial obligations and responsibilities.

I do not believe that the distribution of the income to this marriage was anywhere near being sufficient to meet many of the criteria set out in the above Act.

Given that I am now in such an untenable position, I am having to now go back to Court to seek a variation of the court order made so that the Judge can re-consider the maintenance and capital position.

My lawyers are so horrified at the debt position that I am left in, together with my homelessness, that they are going to act for me for nothing as, in their words what has happened to me “ just doesn’t feel right”.

The fact is that the result of this whole case “just doesn’t feel right” and my children and I have suffered and are continuing to suffer hugely.

We are now in a position where my children do not have a home with me despite the fact that there is a Shared Residency Order in place.

I’m intending to appeal this decision so watch this space….

First off, she just doesn’t consider that I have the illness: after all, she has known me since my eldest daughter was 3,( so for 6 years in total) and through all those years when my children were very, very young. Our children are the same age so she knows how stressful and difficult it can be but she thought I was rearing them perfectly well. She’s a child psychologist so has a good idea about what constitutes “good parenting” and what doesn’t. During this time, I wasn’t medicated so she knew me when I was supposedly “ill” and not on medication. She says it never crossed her mind that I was suffering from Bipolar as she says I never exhibited any signs. She considered me then and now to be completely competent at looking after the children.

She thinks I ought to go and get another opinion, as does my consulting psychologist as do two other doctors who I met over the summer and who witnessed me every day with my children for 2 weeks on holiday (I took the kids away on my own for 2 weeks and these doctors were staying in the same resort: our children got on famously). None of these people consider that I am ill.

Secondly, she has asked me what good the label has done for me. In her view, it is utterly pointless to give someone the lable of “Bipolar” as it doesn’t do the sufferer nor anyone else any good at all; it just causes numerous problems. She argues that the treatment would remain the same regardless of the label: ie an anti-depressant and a mood stabiliser. She says that many people she knows are on mood stabilising drugs but they haven’t been given (or don’t disclose) an official label. As such, they don’t have to go through the inconvenience, anxiety, pain and humiliation of informing insurance companies, the DVLA, their employer, friends, family etc or have it used against them in Children’s Act proceedings.  

My own view, having suffered so badly from the consequences of having been given the label over the past 3 years since being given the diagnosis is NO IT ISN’T HELPFUL AT ALL!!!

It has ruined my life – and I’m not exaggerating. My relationships with my husband, with some of our friends, with my work, with the Court hearing, with neighbours, with the children’s schools, with my son’s medical team: all of these relationships have been tested and to what end? None of them needed to know – it hasn’t helped any of them, nor me. If I had simply gone to the psychiatrist, quietly took  the recommended medication and kept my mouth shut, nobody would be any the wiser and my life might have stayed intact.

As it is, I took the view that I had to tell people as a “responsible” thing to do as I was “ill” and therefore people ought to know in case I had some kind of breakdown and then people would be able to know what to do. NONSENSE!!! They still don’t have a clue what to do if I become ill. They still don’t understand the illness in any event, nor do most of them take the trouble to try and understand it. My true friends couldn’t give a stuff anyway: they have all told me that they don’t care whether I have the illness or not, they treasure my friendship and that’s all they care about. My family are all convinced that I am not ill and are behind me regardless of what any medical team say: they love and support me. My employer still doesn’t know because I don’t feel I can risk my job: no matter what the legislation regarding Disability Discrimination, it isn’t going to make a blind bit of difference to whether or not I would remain employed. Yes I could sue, but where would that get me? A few months loss of earnings if I’m lucky and after I’d spent even more months in highly stressful litigation and incurring more legal fees. Pointless.

No, the only way to live with an illness like Bipolar is to keep it from everyone (except probably your blood family) or be so famous like Stephen Fry that nobody gives a stuff, least of all Stephen as he is already a success and has no children to worry about……..Good on him (and I mean that – I think the guy is great!) But I’m not in that position so, from now on, I’m going to keep quiet about it and pray that I don’t ever have to tell anyone else………………and maybe I can gradually rebuild my life.

In April,I was forced to leave the family home following my husbands Occupation Order to get me out on the basis that my presence in the house was causing the children “significant harm”. I didn’t agree that it was my “continuing presence” that was causing them harm, but the arguing and bickering was distressing for them. My own view though was that it would be even more distressing for them if I left, especially without another home to go to and for them to call their own too. But I was advised by my lawyers that the Judge would force me to go so, rather than spending another £20,000 of wasted legal fees, I was told I should go. So I did, very unhappily. Not surprisingly the children were terribly upset. They told me they kept going into my empty room and couldn’t believe that I was gone………..and so was my bed that they cuddled up to me in.

However, I have Shared Residency Order which states that the children are to live with me for half the holidays and every other weekend during term time, and another afternoon or possibly two each week for the mother as agreed between the parties. So my solicitors wrote to his, suggesting that the kids and I should see each other every Tuesday and Thursday afternoon after school – an arrangement which the Judge had said in the Court Order that she would “welcome” but it would have to be with agreement by both parents.

However, I thought at the time the Order was made that the reality was that my husband wouldn’t agree to it and, sure enough, he is still refusing to agree to an afternoon after school so that the kids and I can see each other. His reasons are still the same as they were 6 months ago: “the children need routine and stability.” Well, surely the same afternoon each week for contact is “routine”. Surely the children will feel more “stable” if they see their mother once a week? “The children have a very important year ahead of them at school.” Oh, and not seeing their mother is going to help them with that??

Where are the children’s rights here? Or their Human Right to have a family life (one of the Rights set out under the Human Rights Act). Or my “mother’s rights”…..Who says there are any such things???

Herein lies one of the biggest problems with a Court Order in Family Law which leaves any kind of extra time with either parent to the agreement between them: it was so obvious to me that my husband wasn’t going to agree to any extra time. When he and his barrister both made oral promises to the Judge that he would definitely encourage and facilitate as much time as possible with me, I could see through his charm, but the Judge was convinced by him. The Judge, however, didn’t go as far as to enshrine any right of the kids to see me mid-week so my requests for more time will continue to be met with refusal.

(To give him his due, he did allow the kids and I to celebrate my birthday together last Thursday which was absolutely brilliant! They got me a Scooby Doo birthday cake with more candles than space on his vast face………yes, I’m ancient……Best birthday I’d had in a very long time. Just me and the kids. Bliss). But that is one rare occasion of “extra” time.

What can I do about it?

I will keep asking, just keep writing, keep writing, keep writing with the same request hoping that he will eventually realise that it isn’t kind to either the kids or me to keep us separated from each other.

The only other option is to go back to the Judge and ask her to adjudicate again on the issue of these after school times. My husband must surely be expecting that I will have to do this; he can’t think that I wouldn’t want to keep asking to see them or that the kids won’t keep asking to see me?  It makes so much more sense though to just be sensible rather than going back to Court again. That would be distressing for all of us, but maybe not as distressing as the continuing absence of my children and I being able to spend time together. 

The thing is, my Bipolar is completely under control and has been ever since before the Court hearing started; I have repeatedly been given the all clear by my psychiatrist who says I am perfectly stable. So it’s not like I’m manic or hypomanic or severely depressed or alcoholic or abusive or anything else – I’m just a really decent, loving mum who wants to see her kids and, most of all, give them loads of love and hugs………..I’ve even told him that he can insist on making me have a psychiatric assessment of my mental health every 6-8 weeks if he needs any reassurance, so why’s he refusing to take me up on it?

His latest reasons are that I have been “turning up at the kids schools and this has distressed them.” What I have, in fact, been doing, is to attend every single school event that I can so that I get to look at the kids even if I can’t hug them or talk with them. So I go to all the school masses, services, sports events, coffee mornings, kids parties etc. I am fully legally entitled to go to these, so I’m not just “turning up”. Also the kids want me there at their sports matches, their masses, concerts etc. The only reason they are distressed is because they’re not seeing enough of me, not because I’m there!

He then cites the fact that on around 3-4 ocasions, I have dropped the children back between 15mins – 1 hour late on a Sunday night after my long drive back up to Kingston through Sunday afternoon, London-bound traffic. This is “proof” that I am unreliable and irresponsible……………..clearly.

So, I just have to keep asking. Most importantly, the kids keep asking me why they can’t see me more often and they ask me to ask him. So I do. And he says no. So I ask again. And he says no. When the children ask me why he says no, I simply have to say “I don’t know why, you’ll need to ask him yourself.” What else can I say?

My eldest daughter (frighteningly mature and perceptive for her age) said: “Mummy, you have to stand up to him. If you don’t, he’ll just keep treating you badly and ignoring you. If you let him get away with it, he’ll carry on doing it. You can’t let him carry on like this.”

Well, that may be the truth and I want to stand up to him for her and my sake. But just how do you stand up to a parent who is determined to put you down and stamp on you? I can only think that I have to be as level headed as possible and appeal to his legal/rational mind. So I keep writing to him.

Unfortunately, due to the incredibly strategic manner in which my husband ran his case (he’s the head of a litigation department, so he knows all the tactics), I have learnt to ensure that there’s a paper trail of correspondence so that he can’t claim that I haven’t requested time with the kids.  I send the emails with the “Read receipt” and “Delivery report” option so that he can’t say that he didn’t receive it (which he has said in the past about emails that he’s denied receiving). When he doesn’t answer, I just keep forwarding the email asking him to reply. If this goes back to Court then I will have all my requests documented that I have continually asked to see the kids and he is persistently refusing. By asking him to reply by email, he has to put his reasons down in writing. Which of course are then also documented so there is no way that he can argue that he didn’t give the reasons that he has, in fact, given. Our whole relationship has always been plagued with the “you said “x”" , “no I didn’t – I said “y”", “no you didn’t” etc. We even discussed this in our 2 and a half years at Relate: how can 2 people sharing a conversation remember totally different things about what was said, in what tone, with what expression etc? Even before we divorced, we agreed that we would write things down in emails to send to each other so that we had a record of what each of us had said in a vain hope of avoiding rows about who said what. Clearly it didn’t work, hence the divorce……..!

Oh, and I forward all the emails and the replies to my lawyer for safe keeping in case there’s any denial that these requests were ever made……………….

However, I am no longer able to afford to instruct a barrister to represent me; therefore I am a “litigant in person”and don’t have to pay any more legal fees. That being the case, any correspondence or further Court applications won’t cost me any more money so I don’t have to worry about the fees. I think my husband will still be paying for his though……

Any other parents out there also having similar problems? Did any of you manage to find a clever way of solving this issue?

Please let me know or just keep hoping for me……………