“Please let me just hug them – I will only be with them for a minute”….
“What are you doing here? ” my husband’s nanny asks with a shocked look on her face.
I look at my daughter’s face, whom I haven’t seen for a while. She is unsure: it’s clear she wants to hug me, but she also knows how angry her nanny will be if she does…Her hand is held very firmly by the nanny’s hand so she cannot let go to come to me.
“I was in the school for a meeting. I’ve only just noticed you go by. I didn’t know you were here.” I find myself stammering, shaking and apologising for my very presence in my own children’s school to a nanny who has no parental rights over my children – she is their nanny not their parent. Why am I apologising? But I know the power she has to make life even more difficult for me whilst the children are in her care, so I avoid a row and swallow my anger. Like a mother bear, I want to protect my children from another female who is trying to step between me and my children so that I can’t get to them. I hope instead that she will see how desperate the children and I are to give each other a quick hug.
“We won’t be long” I plead, so longing just to hold them for a few seconds.

“NO, we are going now. There is no time for a hug. We’re leaving. Come on kids” Her face is taught with anger, showing clearly how much she dislikes this situation. She is entirely dismissive of me, the words almost spat out with no effort to apologise for her inability to be accomodating of my request. She could stop for a few minutes if she had wanted to. There was no serious deadline she had to meet. So why can’t or why won’t she permit this little request? Do I also detect a certain look on her face as she grabs hold of both children’s hands and whisks them off to the exit of the school? I don’t know. All I know is that they are looking back at me, clearly distressed, while I have to just stand there looking into their dear faces, whilst another woman takes my children out of the door without a second’s feeling for mine and my children’s plight. I feel a huge surge of strong feelings: anger, resentment, frustration, shock, hurt. The very core of my motherly instinct is ripped. This stranger to our family, no relation even, now has the children she’s always wanted. At 50, she has never been married nor has had her own children – something which has deeply upset her. Instead, she’s found another way of having children: taking mine instead.

It’s just a dream, I tell myself when I wake crying. Except it’s been the pattern of these dreams for quite some time now. The dreams are always the same: I am back in my own home, one that she now lives in. I am unwelcome in their even though, in real life, I am still the owner of that home. In this dream home, she is the one who is in charge of my children. In these dreams, I am sometimes a ghost, sometimes I am merely invisible, a mere on-looker whilst all my children, the nanny, my ex husband, his guests ignore me as they simply look through me. When I am visible in these dreams, I am constantly reaching out to my children in all manner of ways: I am trying to feed them, I am trying to hug them, to talk to them, to protect them from a stranger……….always trying to be close to them. Invariably, I am met with palpable hostility from both the nanny and my ex husband – “why is she still here, when this is our territory now” is the unspoken question that hangs in the air. There is no attempt on their part to be hospitable, accomodating, kind or compassionate for the children’s plight or mine. They make it clear that I am now in their territory, their home, their space, their rules. I stand in my own home, with my own children and am made to feel like I’m the intruder, the unwelcome pest.

Although these are my dreams, these dreams are simply a representation of what is happening in real life, in my real situation, in my real experience of how my ex husband and his nanny treat me. The discomfort  in his employee’s face is painful and hurtful to see and experience and I ask myself what I might have done, or what he might have told her, for her to treat me in this way. She treats me like I’m an irrelevance, like she’s the mother and I’m her employee and one that she doesn’t like at that. Ocasionally I stand up for myself and tell her not to treat me in this manner, but there is never an apology on her part, nor any change in her behaviour.

I bitterly resent this. I carried those children in my womb for 9 months. I gave birth, screaming with the pain and bear permanent physical scars from the births. My eldest had to be pulled out as she’d got stuck and I live with the scars of that birth today – a constant reminder of her bond to me. I breast-fed each child, waking several times a night to feed them, comfort them, nurse them, sleep with them to keep them calm. I slept beside their beds in hospital as each of them had their various baby illnesses: diabetes, tonsilitis, pneumonia, meningitis. I held them when they were scared in hospital, comforted them till they fell asleep in my arms, argued with the doctors when I instinctively knew that they were not giving my son the right treatment when he was vomiting with his diabetes, spending hours by their sides unable to sleep whilst their bodies fought off various infections.

Now, in my dreams, my children are being told by their nanny to call her “mum” – to hear them say that about another woman who has come into their lives and taken over, rips me to the core. When my youngest daughter is with me, she often calls me my nanny’s name and call’s her nanny’s name mum, before quickly correcting herself. For this child to have another woman in my shoes is clearly confusing for her and hugely upsetting for me. I remind the children that they only ever have one mum and one dad. Nobody else in their lives will ever be their mum or dad. Other people can play those roles and provide huge support, kindness and comfort as did my step father who has looked after me since I was five. But he is not my dad – my real father is my dad. I love my step father as much as I love my dad, but that doesn’t make him my dad.

There is a bond which is never broken between parent and child and when a stranger comes into the children’s lives and tries to break that bond, it is the cruelist and most hurtful thing they can try to do to both the child and the parent. But this behaviour comes from a deep insecurity, selfishness and unkindness on the part of the person breaking that bond. Because they don’t have their own children, they seek to take on somebody else’s. It happens in many animal species where one animal who has no children, tries to take another animal’s offspring. We are just animals too fundamentally. What is playing out in front of my eyes is another female animal trying to steal my children.

My children are hurt, angry and resentful about the way this nanny treats me, but what can they do? They are only children with no power over the way the grown ups in their lives are behaving. They tell me they desperately want to be looked after by their mum rather than by a nanny but there is nothing they can do about it. They are forced to accept her even when their dad is supposed to be looking after them. He employs her even at the weekends and during his holidays with them. She even spent Christmas with them! Even when he came to collect the children from me, he brought the nanny with him on the 4 hour journey! It’s as if he is treating her like his surrogate wife even though she already has her own 8 year long relationship with another man and she is certainly not my ex husband’s type…..I don’t understand why he is doing this other than to think that he doesn’t like being on his own, either with himself or when he’s with the children. He has to have a woman around…..

When will these dreams ever stop? Even the sleeping tablets that have been prescribed for me by my psychiatris for post traumatic stress disorder brought on by having my children taken from me, don’t stop these dreams from penetrating my refuge of sleep. Sleep is meant to be my place of healing all the hurt in my daily life, all the stresses that we all go through, yet mine just brings further haunting, further distress that lingers throughout the day, playing on my mind as I go through each dream scene feeling each hurt afresh.

Oh God, if you ever listen to any of my prayers, listen to this one: “Please let these dreams stop and let me heal…”

Post traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) is very real for those suffering from it. My children are regularly having nightmares; my son (7) had such a bad one last week that he woke shaking and crying and so scared that I had to hold him tight in my arms all night to keep him calm. Each time I moved even slightly, he woke again and clung to me crying, pleading with me to hold on to him. He said that these awful creatures were trying to take him away from me and no matter where he ran and hid, they came to get him…..

My daughter (6) keeps having nightmares where she is being kidnapped by some stranger and I don’t come to her rescue; I am nowhere to be found even though she’s crying out for me….She dreamt that she had been thrown into an empty room and nobody came to give her food and she was in the dark not knowing where anybody was…She dreams that I have had my head chopped off. She repeatedly asks me whether anyone is going to kill me or chop my head off and is worrying about whether I am safe or not. She dreams of coffins floating down a river…she dreams of being attacked by witches, or other creatures who are nasty and scary for her.

It is clear that the children are suffering anxiety as a result of their separation from me, their mum. The children are not currently seeing a psychologist so no diagnosis has been given to them regarding any PTSD but if the symptoms are the same then I am surmising that they too are suffering with it and should be getting some help with their trauma.

Two influential psychoanalysts – John Bowlby and Donald Winnicott – have written extensively about the concept of separation and attachment. They suggested that a large proportion of anxieties and mental health problems are associated with separation between infant and mother in childhood. Their suggestion is that separation is not only distressing for a baby but can also cause anxieties in later life. They proposed that premature separation can lead to insecurity, which can lead to hostility, and that this hostility can interfere with the processes determining subsequent growth and development. All of this is said to trigger mourning at an age when a child is too young to manage such feelings, meaning that a child may be stuck in a state of despair or depression. Dreams of suffocation, separation, loss and abandonment may therefore be informative as they can tell the dreamer of an unresolved separation in their family. This is when feelings of mourning or hostility towards the parent or other family figure have not yet been explored or dealt with.

Separation anxiety occurs when we have to confront the prospect of being separated from someone who is considered essential to our physical or emotional survival. Typically, separation anxiety occurs in relation to family members or partners as these are the people with whom we normally have the closest relationships; the anxiety may often be reflected in nightmares and disturbing dreams.

Dreams of suffocation or nightmare scenarios involving the separation, death or loss of a family member or spouse are often triggered by separation anxiety and in many instances they can offer clues to help manage and resolve these feelings in waking life. [Taken from "The Element Encyclopedia of 20,000 dreams" – Theresa Cheung].

I too am having nightmares – I dream of trying to find my children, of rescuing them from danger and of being ignored or unseen by others in the dream. The children are often in great danger yet I cannot reach them in my dream. I dreamt that my son was trapped under a collapsed building which had collapsed in an earthquake. The foundations of the building are sinking on top of him and he is crying out for me in desperation. I crawl under the building, calling out to him that I’m coming to get him but I can’t quite reach him – I hear his cries and please and the fear in his voice but I can’t quite get to him.

I dream of being unseen – a ghost to all around me including the children. These are typically of me being in my ex husband’s dream new home where he lives with the dream nanny/some other woman and the children are there. When I enter the room, they don’t see me; I talk to them, walk in front of them, sit next to them but it becomes apparent to me that I am invisible to them. I wander round the house unseen and unheard trying desperately to talk to or be with the children but they can’t see me so I am ignored. When they move from one room to another, I follow them into the different room hoping that they’ll see me in the room I’ve followed them into but they still don’t so I continue to remain invisible. There are domestic scenes of the children getting dressed, playing, eating their supper, tidying away their toys, but I cannot join in. I am left feeling helpless, tremendously sad, hurt, upset and feeling so terrible that I am there with my children but completely invisible so neither they nor I can be with each other. My dream of being a ghost meant that I could spend time with them without being told that I can’t be there….

I wake from these dreams sunk into a well of despair and have often woken up crying; I have started to cry in my dream and wake with the tears still flowing. I awake in shock and disbelief that my situation isn’t a dream and that I am living in a nightmare. I wake without my children in the house, without them coming jumping into my bed in the morning and to the silence of the house. I lie in bed for a while trying to come to terms with what has happened.  This usually takes me 2-3 hours in the following morning before I can function well enough again and then it plays on my mind for weeks at a time. I cannot get the images and feelings out of my mind.

Is this evidence that I am “mad”, “unstable” etc? If so, are my children “mad” too? Or are we all just suffering from being separated from each other?

My psychiatrist says that I am suffering from PTSD (Post traumatic stress disorder) and has given me sleeping tablets at night saying that these dreams usually stop after 6-8 months. It is his view that my experience of the Children’s Act proceedings, the subsequent judgement hearing and the separation from my children have all combined to cause me significant trauma and hence the diagnosis of PTSD. The research into PTSD states that, at first the dreams are incredibly intense and disturbing, but the sufferers report that these gradually become less vivid after around 6 – 9 months.

It has now been a year exactly since the judgement was handed down by the judge and I am still having these nightmares. How long will this continue?

The dream book referred to above is very useful to help understand the meaning of many of the dreams the children have and so I involve them with this interpretation; we look up the symbols of their dreams and then we talk about what their dreams might mean. This seems to help them put the “monsters”, the “baddies” and the horrible circumstances of their dreams (eg tidal waves, cracking ice, storms, lightning etc) into a context so that they can then understand what their dream is about. This reduces their anxiety. So, for example, if they dream about being carried away to sea by a tidal wave, I can explain to them that the sea is a very powerful expression of emotions – the stronger and more turbulent the sea is in the dream, the more powerful are their emotions. Once they understand this, they can then talk about what emotions they are feeling and so the tidal wave is then understandable and not something to be frightened of. This seems to be helpful to them.

Maybe it should be part of any co-parenting plan that a child suffering with recurrent nightmares should be referred to a psychologist for help with the trauma. I certainly will be seeking one for my children.

As for me, I will continue to try to see them as much as I can to reassure them that I have not gone from their lives and will always be there for them as often as I am permitted.

Is there anyone else out there suffering with these kind of nightmares? I’d love to hear from you.

Post script: It is now September 2008 – 18 months after I was forced to leave my home and my children and I am still having these nightmares as are the children…..If this is PTSD, then it is obviously a serious case of it. I still have to take sleeping tablets at night together with a medication to stop me from experiencing REM sleep which, according to my psychiatrist, is the best way to avoid having nightmares. It’s not working…..

Billy Costa’s fate of having his daemon ripped apart from him is how I feel with my children ripped apart from me. For anyone who’s seen the film, you will recognise the trauma on his face, his half living body and his ghost white shaky existence. This is how I feel when I am without my children.

My daughter is a Northern Lights (Philip Pullman) fanatic and was desparate to see the new film so we all traipsed along to the movies to watch it. She was fascinated with the whole idea of having a “daemon”: a fundamental part of each person that their daemon’s shape changes according to the mood that the person is in, often giving away that person’s mood before their human can hide it from the outside world. It’s rather like wearing your soul on the outside of your body for all to see.

 In the same way that you cannot live without a soul (many would believe), these humans cannot live without their daemon other than in a kind of “half life” state, barely living. These humans are distraught without their daemons and their daemons distraught without their humans. The fact that they appear to be physically distinct from each other is not the reality; the reality is that these two forms of the human exist as one and are inseperable. Life without the other is barely living……

There is one scene where a little boy – Billy Costa – escapes from the sanatorium where these children are kept by the Magesterium (the baddies). The Magisterium have found a way of separating the human from their daemon by an operation called an “intercission”. They manage to perform this operation on Billy Costa and the result is devastating.

 Lyra (the heroin) finds Billy who has managed to escape from the sanatorium. He has hidden in a shack under a pile of blankets. When Lyra throws back the blankets she sees this kid, barely alive with hollow black eyes, ghostly white face, shaking uncontrollably and weak with the despair of being separted from his daemon.

At that point in the film, I had to look away. I couldn’t let the children see the tears filling in my eyes. Billy Costa looked and seemed to feel the same way that I feel from being separated from my children. My children are my soul, they’re my very being, they’re my reason for living, they are fundamentally a part of my flesh and blood, my soul, my thoughts, my everything. To have them removed from me so that I and they are living in this kind of half existence is excrutiatingly distressing.

I am so distressed that i have been diagnosed as suffering from post-traumatic stress disorder and having to be sedated at night to help me get through the nightmares and sleepless nights. My dreams are full of having to rescue my children from collapsing buildings, trapped beneath their founations, or from a sinking ship or from a variety of horrific scenes in which my children are in severe distress and I’m trying to rescue them, find them, hear them, talk to them. Sometimes, they can hear and see me in my dreams and other times its as if I am a shadow and they can’t see me coming to rescue them….

They are also having these nightmares: witches chasing them, being shipwreaked and drowning, crashing cars, having to escape from all kinds of baddies such as vampires and monsters. They are often trying to find me in their dreams and are calling out for me to rescue them. They wake upset if they were calling out for me and I wasn’t there to rescue them.

 They are desperate to be with me, their mother. I am to them the way they are to me – inseparable. If we are separated from each other, we both pine, don’t sleep properly, have nightmares, wake up crying, can’t concentrate,feel hurt, angry, despairing, resentful and just so desperate to see each other and be with each other.

My son tells me he wakes up most morning crying as he misses me so much. He is having nightmares most nights and is suffering bouts of anger and distress.  Everytime I have to say goodby to him he sobs and sobs and clings to me begging me not to go and asking how many days it will be before he can see me again…………..He told me that this boy at school just said “are you the boy who always cries when your mummy goes?”…………………

My youngest daughter keeps asking me when she can come and tell the court that she misses her mummy too much and wants to be with her. She cries and clings to me every time I have to go. She sits in her school mass with tears running down her cheeks whilst I sit in the parents seating area; we simply have no choice but to spend the mass just looking at each other, unable to touch each other or hold each other or even talk. We just look and look and look, and she cries and I try my hardest not to cry……….

My eldest daughter is a little more stoic externally so is better able to hide how she feels. When I leave her, she clings and whispers “make sure you say goodby to me last as I want to make sure that I am the last person who touches you so that I can feel your hug around me after you’ve gone and I wont be able to forget the hug…..”.

Mothers and children are like the humans and daemons in the Golden Compass; neither feels truly able to separate from the other as they are emotionally and psychologically so intertwined. To forcibly separate from each other is cruel to the highest degree and causes the most profound heartache.

I will not be able to get the image of Billy Costa out of my mind………………………

For all of those spouses who think you should be trying to separate your children from your ex spouse – please consider the fundamental bond between parent and child which should not be ripped apart……