My daughter (6) keeps having nightmares where she is being kidnapped by some stranger and I don’t come to her rescue; I am nowhere to be found even though she’s crying out for me….She dreamt that she had been thrown into an empty room and nobody came to give her food and she was in the dark not knowing where anybody was…She dreams that I have had my head chopped off. She repeatedly asks me whether anyone is going to kill me or chop my head off and is worrying about whether I am safe or not. She dreams of coffins floating down a river…she dreams of being attacked by witches, or other creatures who are nasty and scary for her.

It is clear that the children are suffering anxiety as a result of their separation from me, their mum. The children are not currently seeing a psychologist so no diagnosis has been given to them regarding any PTSD but if the symptoms are the same then I am surmising that they too are suffering with it and should be getting some help with their trauma.

Two influential psychoanalysts – John Bowlby and Donald Winnicott – have written extensively about the concept of separation and attachment. They suggested that a large proportion of anxieties and mental health problems are associated with separation between infant and mother in childhood. Their suggestion is that separation is not only distressing for a baby but can also cause anxieties in later life. They proposed that premature separation can lead to insecurity, which can lead to hostility, and that this hostility can interfere with the processes determining subsequent growth and development. All of this is said to trigger mourning at an age when a child is too young to manage such feelings, meaning that a child may be stuck in a state of despair or depression. Dreams of suffocation, separation, loss and abandonment may therefore be informative as they can tell the dreamer of an unresolved separation in their family. This is when feelings of mourning or hostility towards the parent or other family figure have not yet been explored or dealt with.

Separation anxiety occurs when we have to confront the prospect of being separated from someone who is considered essential to our physical or emotional survival. Typically, separation anxiety occurs in relation to family members or partners as these are the people with whom we normally have the closest relationships; the anxiety may often be reflected in nightmares and disturbing dreams.

Dreams of suffocation or nightmare scenarios involving the separation, death or loss of a family member or spouse are often triggered by separation anxiety and in many instances they can offer clues to help manage and resolve these feelings in waking life. [Taken from "The Element Encyclopedia of 20,000 dreams" – Theresa Cheung].

I too am having nightmares – I dream of trying to find my children, of rescuing them from danger and of being ignored or unseen by others in the dream. The children are often in great danger yet I cannot reach them in my dream. I dreamt that my son was trapped under a collapsed building which had collapsed in an earthquake. The foundations of the building are sinking on top of him and he is crying out for me in desperation. I crawl under the building, calling out to him that I’m coming to get him but I can’t quite reach him – I hear his cries and please and the fear in his voice but I can’t quite get to him.

I dream of being unseen – a ghost to all around me including the children. These are typically of me being in my ex husband’s dream new home where he lives with the dream nanny/some other woman and the children are there. When I enter the room, they don’t see me; I talk to them, walk in front of them, sit next to them but it becomes apparent to me that I am invisible to them. I wander round the house unseen and unheard trying desperately to talk to or be with the children but they can’t see me so I am ignored. When they move from one room to another, I follow them into the different room hoping that they’ll see me in the room I’ve followed them into but they still don’t so I continue to remain invisible. There are domestic scenes of the children getting dressed, playing, eating their supper, tidying away their toys, but I cannot join in. I am left feeling helpless, tremendously sad, hurt, upset and feeling so terrible that I am there with my children but completely invisible so neither they nor I can be with each other. My dream of being a ghost meant that I could spend time with them without being told that I can’t be there….

I wake from these dreams sunk into a well of despair and have often woken up crying; I have started to cry in my dream and wake with the tears still flowing. I awake in shock and disbelief that my situation isn’t a dream and that I am living in a nightmare. I wake without my children in the house, without them coming jumping into my bed in the morning and to the silence of the house. I lie in bed for a while trying to come to terms with what has happened.  This usually takes me 2-3 hours in the following morning before I can function well enough again and then it plays on my mind for weeks at a time. I cannot get the images and feelings out of my mind.

Is this evidence that I am “mad”, “unstable” etc? If so, are my children “mad” too? Or are we all just suffering from being separated from each other?

My psychiatrist says that I am suffering from PTSD (Post traumatic stress disorder) and has given me sleeping tablets at night saying that these dreams usually stop after 6-8 months. It is his view that my experience of the Children’s Act proceedings, the subsequent judgement hearing and the separation from my children have all combined to cause me significant trauma and hence the diagnosis of PTSD. The research into PTSD states that, at first the dreams are incredibly intense and disturbing, but the sufferers report that these gradually become less vivid after around 6 – 9 months.

It has now been a year exactly since the judgement was handed down by the judge and I am still having these nightmares. How long will this continue?

The dream book referred to above is very useful to help understand the meaning of many of the dreams the children have and so I involve them with this interpretation; we look up the symbols of their dreams and then we talk about what their dreams might mean. This seems to help them put the “monsters”, the “baddies” and the horrible circumstances of their dreams (eg tidal waves, cracking ice, storms, lightning etc) into a context so that they can then understand what their dream is about. This reduces their anxiety. So, for example, if they dream about being carried away to sea by a tidal wave, I can explain to them that the sea is a very powerful expression of emotions – the stronger and more turbulent the sea is in the dream, the more powerful are their emotions. Once they understand this, they can then talk about what emotions they are feeling and so the tidal wave is then understandable and not something to be frightened of. This seems to be helpful to them.

Maybe it should be part of any co-parenting plan that a child suffering with recurrent nightmares should be referred to a psychologist for help with the trauma. I certainly will be seeking one for my children.

As for me, I will continue to try to see them as much as I can to reassure them that I have not gone from their lives and will always be there for them as often as I am permitted.

Is there anyone else out there suffering with these kind of nightmares? I’d love to hear from you.

Post script: It is now September 2008 – 18 months after I was forced to leave my home and my children and I am still having these nightmares as are the children…..If this is PTSD, then it is obviously a serious case of it. I still have to take sleeping tablets at night together with a medication to stop me from experiencing REM sleep which, according to my psychiatrist, is the best way to avoid having nightmares. It’s not working…..