http://blogs.ft.com/dearlucy/2007/07/i-think-my-bosshtml/

‘I think my boss may be bipolar’
July 10, 2007
I think my boss may be bipolar. He has two different modies: he’s either charging round, full of energy, making bold decisions or he’s paranoid, negative and bullying. In the “up” moods he’s stimulating, though it’s exhausting trying to keep up. The rest of the time he is paranoid and hostile. I’ve worked for him for two years and though I admire his talent and charisma I find his mood swings increasingly stressful. A couple of weeks ago I tried to broach the matter, but he looked as if he was about to have a coronary, so I shut up. Is there anything I can do? And if not, how can I insulate myself from the worst of his rages?

Investment banker, male, 36

July 10th, 2007 in Uncategorised | Permalink

19 Responses to “‘I think my boss may be bipolar’”
Comments
They say people join companies and leave managers – it is quite true. I am a victim of a similar situation, and the only way I have managed to survive is by telling myself that you cannot change a person – especially your boss – you can only change your reaction to him. Try being objective, impersonal, and to-the-point. Maintain a steady unfluctuating disposition, that should lessen the blow of the mood swings. But if despite all this you feel you cant be happy working this way, the world is big and it is full of opportunities

Posted by: Anonymous | July 10th, 2007 at 2:53 pm | Report this comment

I had a boss who was very similar – she ended up driving me into depression. The situation may not get any better and this can have an impact on you.

The lack of rationality that you have to cope with can put enough mental pressure on you that it causes you to question your judgement and eventually you follow the mood swings.

That’s good for no-one.

It’s also worth condsidering your boss may have a drugs problem, this can have similar effects to mental illness.

Posted by: Aaron | July 10th, 2007 at 4:34 pm | Report this comment

If your boss is really bipolar then he will exhibit those two different modes when dealing with senior colleagues and potential clients, as well as when dealing with a junior colleague. It doesn’t seem very likely that he would have lasted even two years in his job if he were paranoid and hostile with clients and his boss. It is perhaps more likely that he suffers from “kicking the dog” syndrome, bouts of which could be triggered by business disappointments. You are working in a deal driven organisation. Every mandate won or lost, every issue floated or pulled and every time that market prices do or don’t perform near expectations affect reputations, remuneration and prospects. Every potential deal is a one-off opportunity from which to wring every penny of fees and every nuance of status and ranking. It is not an environment where anyone is likely to appreciate a good loser so either be just as bad a loser as your boss or try to move to a longer term client relationship position.

Posted by: Ironybrew, 57, Retired, Male | July 10th, 2007 at 5:15 pm | Report this comment

Insight meditation is the answer. I used to have an extremely nasty boss – the owner of a small company who would appear charming and charismatic to potential clients, yet would treat his employees with total contempt.

Insight meditation (vipassana meditation) is a practice that literally changes the way your brain functions so as you are no longer hurt or upset by the actions of others. The practice takes a couple of months until you see a clear benefit, but trust me, it really works.

Not only are you better able to deal with difficult people, you will also increase your concentration by a huge amount and therefore perform better at work, and enjoy your life more overall.

You will find over the course of a few months that everyday life becomes increasingly pleasurable as you become more open to experience and less reactive to changing moods.

The power it gives you to sit calmly smiling whilst some ego-maniac shouts at you, and see them unable to understand why you are totally unaffected by them is reason enough to do it, but actually, the greater strength will come from not even needing to.

Posted by: Anonymous | July 11th, 2007 at 10:00 am | Report this comment

I’m in a similar position, and I find that the manager’s moods are affecting me in a very negative way. In fact, his behavior is making me depressed and that is spilling over into my family life. My family and friends are highly aware of the change in me, as well as the cause, and they have urged me to quit the job in order to be away from this negative influence. I’m in the process of doing that right now, as there is no way to change that person or to tolerate his abusive persona much longer.

Posted by: Fed Up | July 11th, 2007 at 3:51 pm | Report this comment

It’s not your responsibility to change your boss, except in the sense of finding a new one! Let the market decide the fate of dysfunctional supervisors…

Posted by: Vince Woodward | July 11th, 2007 at 6:32 pm | Report this comment

Sounds like a coke problem to me. Bipolar people aren’t paranoid and bullying in their down phases – they’re usually apathetic and totally non-functional. Take comfort by confiding in your colleagues – you can gain strength by having a laugh behind his back. Also be secure in the knowledge that in a couple more years he’ll crash and burn in a blaze of septum-ruptured glory – leaving you, the survivor, to the spoils.

Posted by: Female, PR, 25 | July 12th, 2007 at 8:19 am | Report this comment

Do we have the same boss? My tuppence worth from the City trenches: try to keep out of his way, try only to report success and watch the sits-vac ads.

Posted by: Craigoh | July 12th, 2007 at 12:36 pm | Report this comment

I have also been in this situation – only afterwards did we realise it was cocaine abuse.

I gave away so much of my internal energy to a complete idiot – never again. I would now instantly switch off and cease to care if someone attempted to treat me like that.

Try alerting whoever is ultimately in charge to what is going on and that it may be drug-related.

Posted by: Lulu | July 12th, 2007 at 1:11 pm | Report this comment

Worse if the boss is a woman. There are so many dysfunctional people in the City these days, that it is almost impossible to find the normal ones among us.

The best remedy is to find a new job and leave that “boss” to rot in his own mess…unless of course, you are a certified psychiatrist.

Posted by: Connie | July 12th, 2007 at 1:51 pm | Report this comment

In my experience you may wish to consider notifying HR or go to Occupational Health. Don’t sit back and do nothing

This is more and more common in the city. Drugs and stress play a part in many cases.

Your boss may want to consider an assesment at Life Works , a treatment facility in Duke Street that runs an Intensive Evening Program for Impaired Professionals. I know Professionals who have had their lives turned around by this course.

Life Works is now regarded as the best treatment facility of its kind in the UK for getting high achievers back on the path.

They also have a residential facility in Surrey that is very highly regarded.

Posted by: Marco | July 12th, 2007 at 2:28 pm | Report this comment

It is not just confined to the City. I experienced something similar in the public sector. It wasn’t drugs – my female boss simply had appalling inter-personal skills. Eventually (after I had left, her behaviour being a principle reason) she was moved to a different position where she wasn’t allowed to manage anyone. If you are confident your HR department will respond in an impartial manner, I’d speak to them.

Posted by: Kate | July 12th, 2007 at 4:22 pm | Report this comment

I had a similar situation with two male bosses simultaneously. The most senior of the two was an unfortunate combination of huge ego and massive insecurity; and was a divisive bully. It was so obvious to all members of my team, that our way of handling this was to bond over our derision and simply tolerate him.

The second of the two was my immediate boss and not as conspicuous. He was aggressive, and frequently phoned me out of hours or when I was on holiday to shout abuse at me because something hadn’t gone to plan, or he’d made a mistake and was seeking to pass blame. Just as my confidence was hitting rock bottom and I was thinking about quitting, I was headhunted and snapped up a much better offer at a better company. In my exit interview, I gave HR a no-holds-barred account of their behaviour. Shortly after I left, I bumped into my ex-immediate boss at a social event. He told me he was in AA and apologised for his treatment of me.

I agree with the comments already posted; it sounds as if your boss has a problem with substance abuse, or at least needs to seek help for a mental health issue. Speak to HR and keep your eye on the job market. Life is too short to tread on eggshells because of your boss’s inability to address his personal problems.

Posted by: Emma | July 12th, 2007 at 5:26 pm | Report this comment

I am battling the same issue. My boss is at least open minded enough that I have discussed the problem with her – which helped.
She blames the mood swings on a physical illness she suffers with, I am sure that is true to an extent but is not a full explanation.
I manage the problem by: (1) just accepting that her poor interpersonal skills mean mean she will never really understand why her unpredictable moods are a problem for us; and (2) in my head she lives in a ‘box’ and I only allow her out of that box in office hours – this has stopped me stressing about her out of office hours so makes the problem manageable. Interestingly this method was given to me by her boss who faces the same problem with her!
John, Banker

Posted by: John | July 14th, 2007 at 1:20 pm | Report this comment

I had a boss like this once. We observed that on days when he was rushed and grabbed a few donuts and coffee from the catering cart, he was nasty as a bear, but on days when he’d had breakfast at home, he was the kindest, smartest boss one could have. After charting this for a couple of weeks, we asked him if he might perhaps have a blood sugar problem. It turned out that he was diabetic! With diet, exercise and insulin, he’s much more even-keeled most times.

Posted by: Jean Mansen | July 16th, 2007 at 6:24 am | Report this comment

Dear Lucy

My problem concerns a columnist on my daily newspaper. She is really funny and sends everything up very cleverly. But a couple of weeks ago, she started referring to people who behave strangely as “nutters”. I think this is a very unkind and dismissive way to talk about people who struggle courageously with bipolar disorder and/or mental illness. I’m worried that if I tell her what I think, she’ll dismiss me as politically correct or a member of the green ink brigade. I’m worried that she’ll start calling people poofs or darkies next. What should I do?

Yours sincerely

HR Consultant (I know! I know!)
Female 59

Posted by: Sally Phillips | August 3rd, 2007 at 9:16 am | Report this comment

I strongly suggest you leave your boss as quickly as possible. I worked for someone like that, too. The best thing he ever did was tell me that I’d been declared redundant. I left him have never looked back.

Seriously, life is far too short to work for a boss like yours. I’m sure you have enough to worry about and complete every day. The last thing you need is a boss suffering from a neurosis you cannot control — and he won’t either.

Posted by: Doug | August 10th, 2007 at 3:53 pm | Report this comment

This sounds very familiar. I’m in a similar situation, and having always wondered why people got sick leave for “stress” (being a strong-minded individual) I now understand completely as I’m hating my own boss (who sounds like yours) and only staying here till I find something else. However, this might not be the best time to be looking for a job as an investment banker! Good luck – you’ll never change him, though, so unless you can somehow get rid of him you’ll have to put up with it or leave.

Posted by: analyst, female, 32 | August 14th, 2007 at 9:58 am | Report this comment

I just quit a job like yours. My boss has been diagnosed with bipolar disorder for 20+ yrs. I believe he uses his illness as a crutch for saying and doing whatever he feels at the time. He forgets half of what he says, he expects me to find his lost items and makes false accusations consistently. I know he drinks alcohol on occassion and doesn’t always take his meds. He doesn’t hesitate to ask if someone wore their stupid hat that day. One time I thought he was going to hit our receptionist. When he is up, he’s fun and full of spunk, when he’s down, he doesn’t care who’s way he get’s in. I’ve even heard him “yell” at his banker for using the work “closing” rather than the word “refinance”. He utilized my time for “lectures” and got mad when the work didn’t get done. I will never accept another position of this nature. I ended up on Paxil while I was there just to cope, my doctor advised I quit working for this man, which I eventually did.

However, there are many studies which point to the prevalence of domestic violence perpetrated against the mentally ill. Some might say that living with a person with a mental health problem “causes” them to become angry/frustrated/fed up with the sufferer and that they are “pushed” into becoming violent towards them or that they are “defending” themselves against the mentally ill person’s “attack” (verbal or physical). The huge problem with domestic violence is seeing through the issue of “who started it” much like a parent has to see through which child hit the other first or which child started the argument. What is obvious, however, (and supported by a lot of research) is that many sufferers of depression and anxiety have such low self esteem that it is very easy for them to become victims of bullying, intimidation, harrassment, ill-treatment etc as they find it very difficult to stand up for themselves or to believe in themselves sufficiently well to be assertive with those around them. People with mental ill health are often told that they have “lost their reason or judgement” and they therefore doubt themselves when their spouse is telling them that they are wrong/stupid/unreasonable/selfish/uncaring/lazy/irresponsible etc etc. They lack the certainty that their own perceptions and judgements are correct as they are constantly reminded that they are “ill”. This makes it very easy for an abuser to get to the core of their victim and succesfully abuse them, hold power over them and undermine them to the point of cruelty. The “mind games” that a spouse can play over their mentally ill partner can be devastating. 

This has been my own experience. My ex husband played with my mind in exactly this manner. I now see this and can compare it directly with my experience with my partner of the last 3 years. My partner plays none of these games, nor does he try and control, manipulate, bully or abuse me in any way. I am fortunate enough to have formed such a close bond with another person to enable me to make these comparisons.

Researching the link between mental ill health and domestic violence has been hugely helpful to me in making my recovery. I can distinguish between those behaviours of mine which were destructive and those behaviours which resulted from being abused by my ex husband. Reading the profiles of an abuser helps to recognise a pattern of behaviour or dynamic in a domestic violence relationship. As a result, a person can disentangle those behaviours which are attributable to their own personality and those which resulted from being abused.

One such piece of research is an article from Mr Lundy Bancroft. This article rings so true for me as it is so close to the truth of my own experience. I have highlighted in bold those sentences which are exactly like my ex spouses behaviour.  Read the entire article by clicking on the following link or by visiting the Justice for Mothers website:

Here is an except from Mr. Bancroft’s article:

An abuser’s desire for control intensifies as he senses the relationship slipping way from him. He focuses on the debt he feels his victim owes him, and his outrage at her growing independence. (This dynamic is often misread as evidence that batterers have an inordinate “fear of abandonment.”) He is likely to increase his level of intimidation and manipulation at this point; he may, for example, promise to change while simultaneously frightening his victim, including using threats to take custody of the children legally or by kidnapping. Those abusers who accept the end of the relationship can still be dangerous to their victims and children, because of their determination to maintain control over their children and to punish their victims for perceived transgressions. They are also, as we will see later, much more likely than non-batterers to be abusive physically, sexually, and psychologically to their children.

The propensity of a batterer to see his partner as a personal possession commonly extends to his children, helping to explain the overlap between battering and child abuse. He tends, for example, to have an exaggerated reaction when his ex-partner begins a new relationship, refusing to accept that a new man is going to develop a bond with “his” children; this theme is a common one in batterer groups. (Marie: My ex took out a Prohibited Steps Order against my new partner claiming that he was a danger to my children simply becuase he suffered from Bipolar too). He may threaten or attack the new partner, make unfounded accusations that the new partner is abusing the children, (Marie: there were numerous threatening letters sent to my new partner accusing him of all kinds of behaviour), cut off child support, or file abruptly for custody in order to protect his sole province over his children.

A batterer who does file for custody will frequently win, as he has numerous advantages over his partner in custody litigation. These include, 1) his typical ability to afford better representation (often while simultaneously insisting that he has no money with which to pay child support), (Marie: my ex spent earns over £450k pa but maintains that he cannot afford to pay maintenance to me). 2) his marked advantage over his victim in psychological testing, since she is the one who has been traumatized by the abuse, 3) his ability to manipulate custody evaluators to be sympathetic to him, and 4) his ability to manipulate and intimidate the children regarding their statements to the custody evaluator.

There is also evidence that gender bias in family courts works to the batterer’s advantage. (Massachusetts Supreme Judicial Court Gender Bias Study) Even if the batterer does not win custody, his attempt can be among the most intimidating acts possible from the victim’s perspective, and can lead to financial ruin for her and her children.

I am still living in my brother’s spare room, 18 months after being ordered to leave the matrimonial home whilst he remains in our 7 bedroomed house. This means that the children’s home with me is still my brother’s spare room where we all share a bed. I have no car of my own ( I have to borrow my boyfriend’s) whilst he has just bought a new BMW people carrier. I have been awarded 12% of his income whilst he keeps the rest. I am over £450k in debt.

Would this happen if I were not “mentally ill”? If I had been strong enough to stand up for myself, and/or didn’t have a set of medical records and a condition that would be used against me in court, would I be in the situation I’m in? I don’t think so. Many of my readers have given similar accounts of how they have been abused by their spouses due to their own lack of self esteem arising from their mental health problems. There are many articles, comments, forum chats where people have said the same thing ie that they have been abused by their partners because they have suffered from a mental health problem which their spouse has used against them to take control, intimidate, manipulate and ultimately punish by taking their children away from them.

Any similar stories out there? Anyone who disagrees with this perception/research? As usual, any feedback gratefully received….